Shall we have a worst pun thread?

Excel Facts

Create a Pivot Table on a Map
If your data has zip codes, postal codes, or city names, select the data and use Insert, 3D Map. (Found to right of chart icons).
Two fruit pastels are sitting at a bar chatting. In walks a Smartie. One of the Fruit Pastels says to the other "I am afraid of him. He bullies me." So the other says "well there is no need for that. Tell him how you feel and maybe he will stop." So the first Fruit Pastel plucks up courage and speaks to the Smartie. "Look," he says. "I just want to enjoy myself here with a beer and my mate. I don't want any trouble." So the Smartie says "Well, Ok. Sure. I am sorry, I didn't realise I made you feel that way. Enjoy your beer and I won't hassle you." So the Fruit Pastel goes back to his friend, feeling much better, and enjoys his beer. Somewhile later, a Polo walks in. The first Fruit Pastel suddenly gets scarded again. Apparently the Polo is an even worse bully than the Smartie ever was. So the Fruit Pastel's friend says "why don't you talk to the Polo like you did with the Smartie? That worked." The first Fruit Pastel replies "No way - he's menthol!"





Two pieces of tarmac are enjoying some beer. In walks another bit or tarmac, but this one in coloured red. One of the grey tarmac pieces hides. "Why are you hiding from that red piece of road?" His friend asks. "He beats me up and I don't like it!" Comes the reply. "Well I think you should talk to him about how you feel." So the first piece of grey road steps up and approaches the piece of red road and says "I don't want any trouble. I just want to drink my beer and not be intimidated by you." So the red road covering says; "I am so sorry. I didn't realise my antics were distressing you so much. I won't hurt you any more." So a little while later when the two bits of grey road are on their next beer, in walks some green road covering. The first piece of grey road suddenly got very scared and hid. His friend suggested he spoke to the green road covering, just as he had done with the red road covering. "No way!" came the reply. "He's a cycle path!"




Old, I know but they still make me laugh.
 
A piece of string (String1) walks into the bar (no pun) and orders a drink...

Barman: are you a piece of string ?
String1: yes
Barman: don't serve string here get out!
(string1 leaves bar)

Five minutes later...

Another piece of string walks into the bar and orders a drink...

Barman: are you piece of a string ?
String2 : yes
Barman : I told your mate we don't serve string in here - get out !
(string2 leaves bar)

Five minutes later....

A third piece of string walks into the bar (String3) only this one's worse than the first two -- really old & tatty...

Barman: Enough ! Are you a piece of a string ?
String3: No, I'm a frayed knot !



(Edit: ok technically that's still string...)


Man walks into a London bar with his pet giraffe.

Man: "Pint of beer for me, same for him and he'll have a whiskey chaser too!"
barman serves drinks...
five minutes later...
Man: "Barman, same again !"

...and so this continues for an hour at which point all of a sudden the giraffe collapses to the ground in a drunken spread wide across the floor of the bar...

Barman: "Mate, you can't leave the lyin' there !"
Man: "It's not a lion it's a giraffe !"
 
Happy hour at the Zoo Bar. Four animals come in for a drink (or few), and immediately start discussing who is to pay.

Duck: I only have one bill, and I don't want to break that.
Doe: I had a buck on me a while ago, but not any more.
Skunk: I only have the one scent.
Giraffe: Well, I guess the highballs are one me.
 
Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

The old ones ARE the best.
 
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Yes, yes they are!
 
Three ducks in a pond. They're just playing around and blowing bubbles. The duck police comes by and says I'm going to have to take you ducks in, this is a public place, you can't do that here. So the police duck takes the first duck in and asks "what were you doing in the pond?", the duck replied, "I was just blowing bubbles". the police duck said "You can't do that in the pond", and sent him off to jail. Police duck takes the second duck and says "What were you doing in the pond?", the duck replied "I was just blowing bubbles". The police duck replied, "You can't do that in the pond.", and sent him off to duck jail. The police duck takes the 3rd duck and asks "What were you doing in the pond", the duck replied "I'm Bubbles".
 
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