Shall we have a worst pun thread?

[Patience]

Something my dad told me long ago, that his dad told him longer ago. Not sure it qualifies as a pun, but I think it is great.

Following an English test at school, Fred and George (probably not Weasley - Ed) discussed some of their answers in the grammar section. For one question, Fred where George had had had had had had had had had had the teachers approval.

More of a warning to kids about the use of punctuation than a pun, but great nonetheless.

 

[riaz]

Bryony, I see no reason not to have it in this thread. All word games and variations are welcome.

You could get away with an extra "had".

 

[riaz]

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berkshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result. The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician called Gordon could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention...

 

[Patience]

You know - I even deleted the extra 'had.' Thank you. Will put it back in!

Edit - except it is now out of my editing time. *hangs head in shame!*

 

[riaz]

You know - I even deleted the extra 'had.' Thank you. Will put it back in!

Edit - except it is now out of my editing time. *hangs head in shame!*

Or even *hangs "had" in shame!*

 

[SydneyGeek]

Years ago I was helping my brother put up a deck. He had a mate called Crispin helping too. Anyway, at one stage one of the uprights fell over (everyone thought the other bloke was holding it) and it slammed into the ground, just where Crispin had been standing seconds before.
I said "You were lucky! You could have been like King Wenceslas!"
"What?"
"Deep 'n crisp 'n even..."

Denis

 

[Andrew Fergus]

I suppose you've heard the one about Gandhi? We all know about Gandhi but did you know he walked barefoot everywhere, such that he had the most tremendous callouses on his feet? And when he wasn't on hunger strike he didn't actually eat very much, but if he did he was a vegetarian. So he wasn't a big man, but the vegetarian diet gave him a mild case of bad breath. But despite his frailty, he was obviously a man of great strength and spirituality. Anyway, he came to be known as "the super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>

 

[PaddyD]

From the mouth of Humphrey Lyttleton (although the pen of Iain Pattison):

“Samantha’s just started keeping bees and already has three dozen or so. She says she’s got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He’ll carefully take out her 38 bees and soon have them flying round his head”

“Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera, where she’s been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor”

“Samantha has to nip off to a Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, whose name is said to be almost impossible to pronounce. She’s certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful”

“Samantha has to go now as she’s off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who’s taking her out for an ice-cream. She says she likes to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan”

“Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he’ll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up the ladder”

“After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst’s beef in ale; although she preferred his tongue in cider”

...oh how he's missed

 

[riaz]

There were four Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the other two slept together on a hippopotamus skin. All four became pregnant, and each had a baby boy.

This goes to prove that the sons of the squaws on the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

[Andrew Fergus]

A man entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

"One thing I love doing more than anything else is trying to pack myself in a really small suitcase : I can hardly contain myself."

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

"Police were called to a daycare centre in Merseyside today where a 3 year old was resisting a rest."

A man who walks sideways through an airport metal detector is going to Bangkok.

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 bucks he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".

Did you hear about the short fortune teller who escaped prison? He was a small medium at large.