WHY!

[blondiechick]

Thanks everyone for your input. = ) it helps me alot. You explain more with detail than my friends.

There are people who I know who are in their early 20's that are married. But there are people who I know that are 25-28 who are not married, and they are single. I guess I feel left out, because everyone is happily married talking about how great their life is with their husband or wife. I hate when I hear them talking about it. It kinda sickens me because I never felt like that, and I feel as if I will never get the chance. lol. Guys don't give girls like me a chance, only assholes give girls like me pain.

I guess you are right. I shouldn't look for a date. I think the reason why I am looking for a date is to forget about my last failure. But when I did, the guy turned out to be just like the first person I ever date. Now, we don't talk anymore. Yeah, guys just shut me out like that. I guess I just have to have patience. Everyone says you have to be friends before you date. I should start livign up to that.. because if nothing works out exs never speak to each other anymore. I would rather have a friend than an ex.

I don't think I could ever walk up to a guy who i like at the gym. I just don't have that abiltiy. I always wait to be spoken to. I don't like making any moves. He may think something else or, he might think what the hell does this stupid girl who is weak want. *sign*

I really don't want a relationship... but then again I do. How else can I forget about something that I do not wish to remember? The memory won't seem to fade no matter what I do. I am stuck.

I have a small ego... I think. one day, I hope to be this awesome poet! lol, that will never happen. But, I always think that of which i write is something incrediable. But, its not of course. My mind just wants to think that. I am not attractive though, I wish I could think that, because then I wouldnt have trouble talking to anyone i come in contact with.

Thanks again = )

 

[Joe4]

You sound like most people in their early 20's, confused about relationships, themselves, and what they want to do in life. Give yourself time to figure things out, you can't rush it.

Learn to make yourself happy, and you'll be surprised to see that people will naturally be drawn to you (nothing scares off people faster than people who seem like they need other people to make them happy).

And lastly, don't compare yourself to others. Nothing good can come out of it, you will only weaken your own ego and despise others. Simply try to become the best person you can be.

 

[NateO]

Hello,

A few thoughts, since you do seem to be concerned about this...

1) An ego is not inherently a bad thing. If you don't appreciate yourself, you're going to have a hard time appreciating others. I'm not saying being an obnoxious narcissist is a good thing, but somewhere in the middle is healthy, in my estimation.

2) Are all guys a-holes? Statistically improbable. Sure, some are, there's probably a normal distribution on this sort of thing... But, keep in mind that men and women are different, for a bunch of reasons, see the following for one woman's take on our differences:

http://webfoot.com/advice/women.in.eng.html

Is she far off, generally speaking? Probably not... In fact, she's trying to think like a man, note the following:

Do not walk into your boss' office, throw a hissy fit, and say that you need new furniture NOW! Negative style points.

Negative style points? That's something I would say... Typical male, sports-related analogy... I might have said "Negative Bonus Points", but close enough...

We're different animals, due to physiological differences and the way we are raised. I noticed it in a conversation with a friend the other day (which I will tone down, but essentially the same conversation):

Her: Oh, she's in a bad mood.
Me: Really? What's she angry about?
Her: She's not angry, she's in a bad mood.
Me: Erm, there's a difference?
Her: Yes.
Me: Not in my world, if I'm in a bad mood, look out, because I'm angry.

Now that's not always true, if something really tragic happens, I feel remorse, etc... But, 95% of the time bad mood = anger. I get the feeling this isn't the case with women... I've noticed it with my parents, too, e.g., what would make my Mum sad, would infuriate my Old Man, different animals...

Dating shouldn't be the equivalent of an anchor, i.e., tied down to anything... A first date isn't marriage, theoretically, this should be fun! Go out and have some fun, get a unique dinner, catch a movie, do something different, do something the same, etc...

Who cares what the guy at the gym is thinking when you say hello, it's not like you walked up and stomped him in the jewels. I learned some time ago to concern myself with what I can control, and this is out of your hands. Say hello, and if he's a goofball, then move along.

And, it could be worse! Keep in mind, if men don't work out, you could try dating women... And if you do, please post back here, with the results!!

 

[Smitty]

No one, not even Brad Pitt, is attractive to everyone...so don't put yourslef down like that. secondly, nothing is more unattractive than self-deprication. Get yourself an ego..it's ok to feel good about yourself and to believe your attarctive, smart and funny.

Yes it absolutely is OK to feel good about yourself, and the reason I quoted Todd (sorry bud), is that self-deprecation is not (even if you're with friends who have the balls to get you out of it).

I've watched my boss (a 6' 5", Southern California Quarterback of the Year with John Elway) struggle for years with absolutely beautiful women who had no soul. Invariably, the relationship always fell/fall apart (you can tell, give or take a few days when it will happen - $10,000 vacation - OK, bets are on boys - It'll be done by the time they're off the plane!)

He looks for the outer package, whereas other folks, more down to earth, look for the inner package. My Boss fell into the old trap that my Dad described to me when I was a wee lad (one that many here know): "Beauty may only be skin deep son, but ugly goes to the bone".

Apparently, neither the boss or my Dad have learned that lesson yet.

So, yes, men are pigs, we all are, and we all want one thing (and breakfast too).

I never thought I would find someone like my wife, nor she me, and she's a beautiful blonde who let people's opinions of her guide her in college from where she was an athlete, to becoming a plump woman, who tried to attract as little attention from men as possible. She's been trying for the past few years to get back in shape because I've encouraged her to be who she is and wants to be, not what I or other people want her to be.

If you're lucky you'll find someone (if male no pictures please, if females pictures please (yes, we are pigs!)), but don't press yourself! Anyone can be a sport F%^&er. Frankly I think that's demeaning for both, and saw enough in college to make me sick, and I was a Lacrosse player!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it has to start with you. ****ty self-confidence will let people take advantage of you, and if you're there, you won't even know it. Find what's good about you and relish it! Enjoy it! Take advantage of it!

I've helped you enough on the Board to sense that you're impatient and don't plan ahead or time manage well. A great deal of that comes from a lack of confidence in yourself. So how about setting some serious goals for yourself, little ones, short term ones, then long term, just not narcissistic goals...I think you'll find that they're surprisingly doable and each little step will seem like a milestone. Each one will give you a new sense of purpose and more importantly, a sense of belief in yourself.

Mine's learning to type, which seems pretty small after learning to walk again.

Take care and find a way to feel good about yourself! If you don't, no one else will!

Smitty

 

[blondiechick]

I agree with you. I told a few people who I work with that guys are pigs. They of course were guys, and next thing you know it, they said that I was sexist. THat kinda pissed me off, because I am not. But anyways, my friend said the same thing about self-confidence. He said that guys will pick those girls out because they are easy to mess with and destroy. He was right, I just wish I knew him 3 years ago, but he went to a different school, and we met in college last year.

I am trying to manage my time more efficiently. It’s hard and all because I am still upset about the stupid guy who played me a few weeks ago. I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person when it comes to stuff like this.

I am also having a hard time because of my ex. I wish I never broke up with him, because I think he was one of the nice guys. His problem was just lack of communication and I though I was losing him, so I had to end it. Did I do the right thing? He would never call me, and I was the one always calling him.

Thanks for your replies = )

 

[Joe4]

Just be careful not to fall into the trap of using generalities and lumping everyone together (if you use words like "all" or "none", i.e. "all guys are pigs").

That displays a close-minded approach, where you have already pre-judged people before you meet them. That kind of attitude will not get you where you want to go.

There are definitely "trends" and "patterns", but realize there will always be exceptions. Everyone is an individual, and should be treated as such, and not pre-judged (just as how you would want people to treat you).

 

[MarkAndrews]

I agree with you. I told a few people who I work with that guys are pigs. They of course were guys, and next thing you know it, they said that I was sexist. THat kinda pissed me off, because I am not. But anyways, my friend said the same thing about self-confidence. He said that guys will pick those girls out because they are easy to mess with and destroy. He was right, I just wish I knew him 3 years ago, but he went to a different school, and we met in college last year.

I am trying to manage my time more efficiently. It’s hard and all because I am still upset about the stupid guy who played me a few weeks ago. I have a hard time letting things go. I am an emotional person when it comes to stuff like this.

I am also having a hard time because of my ex. I wish I never broke up with him, because I think he was one of the nice guys. His problem was just lack of communication and I though I was losing him, so I had to end it. Did I do the right thing? He would never call me, and I was the one always calling him.

Thanks for your replies = )

You just need to keep your chin up! Easier said than done from personal experiences

You have plenty of time to find the right person IMO

 

[Asala42]

I don't think I could ever walk up to a guy who i like at the gym. I just don't have that abiltiy. I always wait to be spoken to. I don't like making any moves. He may think something else or, he might think what the hell does this stupid girl who is weak want. *sign*

I'd like to point out that most guys would kill to have a woman initiate conversation with them. Well - it would make our day at least. Hey we have ego issues too you know! Ok here's an easy excercise

At the gym start doing a few light weightlifting excercises if you haven't been doing so already (like 2-3 times a week). That kind of excercise is already a confidence builder on it's own btw. Anyway sooner or later some guy will be on a machine you want to use, so just say something like: "Hey can I work in a set?"...or "Do you have a lot more to go?". 90% of the time, no matter what he thinks of you, he'll say "yeah no problem!". If he starts talking with you more - great. If not, well congratulations anyway - you just talked to a guy!

Ta-da!

 

[Greg Truby]

Blondie,

This seems so obvious as to be impossible to miss, but nonetheless, I'm going to point it out just in case it has escaped your notice (which - if it did - I'll attribute you your youth). Have you noticed the quality of the responses you received by posting your question in the lounge of an Excel forum?

Tnis is a forum frequented by geeks and demi-geeks (of all ages). Have you picked up on the general attributes of us geeks yet? Re-read this thread and other threads in the lounge and in the main forums and you can see that by-and-large this place is full of kind, thoughtful, generous, helpful, and courteous men. (Not that we don't get a few pinheads; but they generally don't hang around here for very long.) The responses that your post received here validate this assertion.

So, if you seek men with the characteristics you found here, look for them in places like here, i.e. places that geeks tend to hang out; customized to your age. Maybe get a girlfriend to go with you to a renaissance festival or something of the like.

Regards,

 

[Todd Bardoni]

Speak for yourself, geek...I'm no geek. Then again, I'm one of the pin-heads you speak of...

Anyway, Blondie...you are obviously angry and depressed. I can tell by your responses and the catastrophic words you use. Go to a counsellor. He will help you, as Smitty said, set and attain goals to improve your obviously non-existent self-esteem. there's not much you can do about the past and you will in time realize that...not just mentally, but emotionally as well. Until then, you just have to accept that for the next several months you're going to have some emotional pain. But you'll have to bite the bullet, charge forward, and shake the dust off once you ram through that wall you've constructed.