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Homemade jokes
- Thread starter Expiry
- Start date
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Futile Crush
New Member
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2009
- Messages
- 45
It's a good idea to walk five miles a day to get healthier. My nana started at 63, she's 96 today and we dunno where the hell she is.
A bishop, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar. Says the barman: "What is this, a joke?"
The probability of survival is equal to the angle to the arrival (when on a plane.)
100,000 accountants at the bottom of the sea is a spectacle. 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea is a miracle.
(My friend's friend made up this one.) When I was young, the fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a longer penis or a longer memory, but I can't remember which one I picked ...
If you're wearing a helmet and you know what most of the shiny buttons do, you're all set to fly.
A public announcement this halloween: don your Richard Nixon masks, the spooky season is nearly upon us!
There is a difference between a "good landing" and a "great landing". A good landing involves all the passengers and yourself being alive after it. A great landing is one where you can use the plane another time.
A group of chavs are arguing about how to pronounce the name of a welsh town, so they settle down in a restaurant and say to the waitress, "'Scuse me, couldja tell us where we are, and say it really slowly?"
"Yeah, you're in Buuuuurrrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing," she says.
Memo to divorced men: If you think getting rid of the wife was a good thing, check your bank account again.
Says the pirate upon wading into the shallow waters and bumping into a treasure chest, "Arrrr, booty is only shin deep!"
An Irish woman spots another woman walking along the train tracks near a station, singing "21, 21, 21!" Says the irishwoman "What are you doing?"
The woman doesn't answer and keeps singing "21, 21, 21!" So the Irishwoman decides to join her, jumping on the tracks and singing "21, 21, 21!" Just then, a train comes along, the other woman jumps at the last second but the irishwoman is hit. When the train passes, the woman jumps back on and starts singing "22, 22, 22 ..."
A bishop, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar. Says the barman: "What is this, a joke?"
The probability of survival is equal to the angle to the arrival (when on a plane.)
100,000 accountants at the bottom of the sea is a spectacle. 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea is a miracle.
(My friend's friend made up this one.) When I was young, the fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a longer penis or a longer memory, but I can't remember which one I picked ...
If you're wearing a helmet and you know what most of the shiny buttons do, you're all set to fly.
A public announcement this halloween: don your Richard Nixon masks, the spooky season is nearly upon us!
There is a difference between a "good landing" and a "great landing". A good landing involves all the passengers and yourself being alive after it. A great landing is one where you can use the plane another time.
A group of chavs are arguing about how to pronounce the name of a welsh town, so they settle down in a restaurant and say to the waitress, "'Scuse me, couldja tell us where we are, and say it really slowly?"
"Yeah, you're in Buuuuurrrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing," she says.
Memo to divorced men: If you think getting rid of the wife was a good thing, check your bank account again.
Says the pirate upon wading into the shallow waters and bumping into a treasure chest, "Arrrr, booty is only shin deep!"
An Irish woman spots another woman walking along the train tracks near a station, singing "21, 21, 21!" Says the irishwoman "What are you doing?"
The woman doesn't answer and keeps singing "21, 21, 21!" So the Irishwoman decides to join her, jumping on the tracks and singing "21, 21, 21!" Just then, a train comes along, the other woman jumps at the last second but the irishwoman is hit. When the train passes, the woman jumps back on and starts singing "22, 22, 22 ..."
steve case
Well-known Member
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2002
- Messages
- 823
Futile Crush's pilot jokes reminds me when I made the remark that I didn't like the idea of flying at night. When asked why I said, "Well if you have to make a forced landing, you can't see to pick out a good spot."
"Well" I was told, "Turn on your landing lights"
The look on my face implied the stupidity of that action.
So then I was told, "If you don't like what you see, turn 'em off!"
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caringsharingbristolbilly
Board Regular
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Messages
- 241
That was on Michael MacIntyre the other night... Canadian comedian, I think it was. I'd get your friend to sue.
RobMatthews
Board Regular
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2008
- Messages
- 81
I was on holiday in the US, and visited a Sioux reservation, hoping to see some authentic culture and buy some sort of memento. All I saw was their crappy furniture factory, making bench-tops that would suit kitchens in the 60's and 70's.
I had told the guide i wanted a memento, but he must have thought i meant sioux veneer.
I had told the guide i wanted a memento, but he must have thought i meant sioux veneer.
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