Chuck Norris

[Oaktree]

There's a Chuck Norris forward circulating. If you haven't seen it, enjoy:

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs
of life there.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word
is "lucky".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap
from anybody.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died
because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris
tendon.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris won 3 Grammy Awards for the sound of his foot making
contact with someone's face.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't apologize. He just stares at them till they
realize it was indeed their own fault for whatever happened and they
apologize.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps
twice.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit",
I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "others".

 

[Jay Petrulis]

That was good!!! My favorite was the blind guy's first, last, and only thing he ever saw.

I found a few others...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh!t
out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing
the Earth down.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open
you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris doesn't wet the bed, the bed gets scared of Chuck Norris and
wets itself

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

My favorite...
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


Believe it or not, I understand the reference to Oregon Trail. Sad, I know.

 

[Zack Barresse]

ROFL!! I read that, but Jay's are mostly new to me. Too funny! My favorites:

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Jay: I used to love Oregon Trail. So I hope it's not that sad!

 

[WxBoy]

Check this out

http://www.youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM

Chuck Norris rules!

But tell me, why does the Walker Texas Ranger song say "When you're in Texas look behind you, cause that's where the ranger's gonna be."? Why are the rangers always behind people? What are they doing back there?

 

[whiteghost]

who's chuck norris? was he the white guy in the bruce lee movies
?

 

[WxBoy]

"Who's Chuck Norris?"

Are you kidding me? Yes, he was one of the white guys in the Bruce Lee movies.

You may want to read the statement about Chuck and the theory of evolution thoroughly. You may be coming off of his list.

 

[Mightystomp]

rofl

What is up with this Chuck Norris craze? People are spamming them in World of Warcraft theese days?

 

[Zack Barresse]

No kidding. WOW and many other gaming forums as well. Must be that the right people are connectted at the right times, me thinks..

 

[Felix Atagong]

Jean-Clauce Van Damme, muscles from Brussels, forever! He can make Belgian Chocolate from Chuck Norris just by looking at him!

 

[WxBoy]

Jean-Claude Van Damme!? Chuck Norris sat on the toilet once. The result was J-C V D.