7 Surefire Ways to Guarantee Business Failure

[Smitty]

OK, with all that's been going on recently, having left a Fortune 500 company to go to a Fortune <0 company, I decided to write a bit about it.

I hope you find it amusing and look forward to being able to add to it:

7 Surefire Ways to Guarantee Business Failure

 

[SydneyGeek]

Like it, Smitty!

Another possible business tip... Marketing.

Get people from an overseas call centre to call former clients with thinly veiled ploys that sound like benefits, and refuse to take "no" for an answer. The more pressure the better. Why overseas call centres? Well, they cost less than local ones so you get to hold on to more of your REVENUE.

A major telco in my neck of the woods is in the middle of this at the moment.

Denis

 

[PaddyD]

It has often been my view that many companies would be more profitable without either customers or staff.

 

[SydneyGeek]

It has often been my view that many companies would be more profitable without either customers or staff.

...Especially if they were based in a tax haven.

Denis

 

[Smitty]

I like the ideas.

...Especially if they were based in a tax haven.

A call center based in Grand Cayman?

Or even better, my last company put one in Manila...

 

[Andrew Fergus]

And if the call centre is servicing an English speaking country, only employ people in the overseas call centre for whom English is a 2nd language.

The other brilliant idea is to build a business where your primary focus is counting the number of 'unique browser hits' to your website. Oh and don't worry about the revenue because the business plan says that will come later........yeah right!

 

[Smitty]

Here in the US, you would be amazed at how many companies' (notably the phone companies like Sprint) automated systems start with:

"To continue in English, press 1"...

No thanks, lets keep it exciting, why don't we continue in whatever language your call center uses?

 

[SydneyGeek]

And if the call centre is servicing an English speaking country, only employ people in the overseas call centre for whom English is a 2nd language.

Just for kicks, get them to pretend that they are actually local

The other brilliant idea is to build a business where your primary focus is counting the number of 'unique browser hits' to your website. Oh and don't worry about the revenue because the business plan says that will come later........yeah right!

You're not suggesting that once you've spent a few thousand bucks on your snazzy site, you need to actually do anything to generate revenue? D*mn, that's where I went wrong!

Here in the US, you would be amazed at how many companies' (notably the phone companies like Sprint) automated systems start with:

"To continue in English, press 1"...

No thanks, lets keep it exciting, why don't we continue in whatever language your call center uses?

And to make it really fun, make the user guess which language is the default.

Denis

 

[Andrew Fergus]

You're not suggesting that once you've spent a few thousand bucks on your snazzy site, you need to actually do anything to generate revenue? D*mn, that's where I went wrong!

Gidday Denis

Insofar as I am aware there is only one "website" that has consistently produced super-normal returns from advertising online on the basis of the number of users visiting their website. No prizes for guessing that is Google....although I'd be happy to be proved wrong! I believe Facebook has in excess of 200m users and they still aren't making money - what hope is there for anyone else if they can't make money from online advertising???

The frustrating thing is that I see many others trying to do exactly this.....albeit on a much smaller potential user base. As they say "you can lead a horse to water.....". Personally I thought that model of business went out in the 90's but it is still all around us and it seems failure on every measurable aspect is no reason to stop trying!

Cheers
Andrew

 

[SydneyGeek]

Gidday Denis

Insofar as I am aware there is only one "website" that has consistently produced super-normal returns from advertising online on the basis of the number of users visiting their website. No prizes for guessing that is Google....although I'd be happy to be proved wrong! I believe Facebook has in excess of 200m users and they still aren't making money - what hope is there for anyone else if they can't make money from online advertising???

The frustrating thing is that I see many others trying to do exactly this.....albeit on a much smaller potential user base. As they say "you can lead a horse to water.....". Personally I thought that model of business went out in the 90's but it is still all around us and it seems failure on every measurable aspect is no reason to stop trying!

Cheers
Andrew

Hi Andrew

Yeah I know -- the Adwords thing is OK for pulling in a bit of income (so I hear) but to make money from a site you actually have to provide a service / product that people are prepared to pay you for.

Amazing how people think a 'brochure' site is going to be the end of all their business problems, about 12 years after that stopped being the case.

How's life treating you at the moment?

Denis