Funny jokes folks

[ZAX]

This so reminds me of Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?"

I don't know.... THIRD BASE!

I'd like to know it,Post it as soon as you know(I'm checking this "Thread" each time I visit the forum).....
And I'll post more jokes soon!

 

[Rick Rothstein]

I'd like to know it,Post it as soon as you know(I'm checking this "Thread" each time I visit the forum).....

If you never have seen the "Who's on first?" routine, then you missed an absolute classic vaudeville routine. Here is a link to the routine...

Abbott and Costello - Who's on First? - Naughty Nineties - High Quality - YouTube

 

[ZAX]

I'll read about it in google.

 

[Rick Rothstein]

I'll read about it in google.

But did you watch it? If not, do yourself a favor and click the link I posted.

 

[ZAX]

Thank you mister Rick,I learned something new!
Sorry,Not allowed to visit such websites...My parents won't let me.

 

[Rick Rothstein]

Thank you mister Rick,I learned something new!
Sorry,Not allowed to visit such websites...My parents won't let me.

In that case, ask your parents to view it first... there is nothing bad or inappropriate in the link I gave you, so they should not object to your seeing it once they have approved it... actually, they will probably like it too.

 

[ZAX]

In that case, ask your parents to view it first... there is nothing bad or inappropriate in the link I gave you, so they should not object to your seeing it once they have approved it... actually, they will probably like it too.

First of all thank you a lot for your post and your time.
Second I've already read the scripts and told my parents about it,It's not that there might be something bad or inappropriate (We trust this forum) but for some reasons.....Sorry for that,But who views this thread can watch something funny.

Thank you again,You opened my eyes on something new and I love knowing such things.

BTW,I loved their scripts!

ZAX

 

[ZAX]

A question to the administrators....Is it OK that I'm posting such long posts?!

He complained to a psychologist, "I can't remember many
things, I always keep forgetting things. What shall I do?" The
psychologist answered, "Pay me in advance!"
======================================================
He has three pairs of eyeglasses: one for near-sightedness,
one for far-sightedness, and a third reserved to look for the other
two
======================================================
A young mother requested her husband to take their
two-year-old baby for a walk. The husband was busy with a project,
but with a deep sigh (to let his wife know he was reluctant), he
got the baby carriage and started walking around the block in the
hot sun.
"Honey," called the his wife from the second-story window.
"Leave me alone!" he shouted back. "We're fine."
After an hour his wife once again shouted, "Honey."
"Well, what is it this time?" he answered in a gruff way.
"Is there any problem in the house?"
"Nothing, honey," replied his wife. "But you've been
wheeling little Suzie's doll the whole afternoon. Don't you think
it's time for the baby to have a turn
======================================================
TEACHER (on phone): You say Kenny has a fever and can't come to school? To whom am I speaking
VOICE: This is my father
BOSS: What does this mean? Someone just called up and said you were sick and couldn't come to work today?
ERRING EMPLOYEE: Ha, Ha! The joke's on him, Boss. He was supposed to call tomorrow
======================================================
TEACHER: You missed school yesterday, didn't you Rod?
ROD: Not very much, Ma'am.
======================================================
What do you call it when the earth goes backwards?
Revearth.
======================================================
An enterprising executive put up a sign saying DO IT NOW! The next day, the cashier absconded with the contents of the safe, the secretary ran off with the boss's son, the office boy urinated in the coffee machine, and the rest of the staff went to a bail game!
======================================================
What is NBC?
A dumb way to start the alphabet
======================================================
"I know there are people in the world who do not love their
fellow human beings and I hate people like that!"
======================================================
What is the difference between a sick sailor and a blind man?
One can't go to sea; the other can't see to go.
======================================================
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the boy who sits next to me was.
======================================================
Little Boy (on phone): My mom isn't home.
Caller: How about your father?
Little Boy: Not home either.
Caller: Who is home?
Little Boy: My sister.
Caller: Will you get your sister?
Little Boy: Okay ... (delay) ... I'm sorry, but you can't
talk to her.
Caller: Why not?
Little Boy: I can't get her out of her crib.
======================================================
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother," Why is the bride dressed in white?"
" Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. " And today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment. " So why is the groom wearing black
======================================================
What did the tie say to the hat?
"You go on ahead and I'll hang around"
======================================================
AMBULANCE DRIVER: Have an accident?
VICTIM: No, thanks, I just had one
======================================================
VISITOR: My friend was run over by a steamroller and he's
in this hospital. What room is he in?
NURSE: Room 105, 106, 107 and 108.
======================================================
MARY: How did you manage to crash your motorcycle?
GARY: You see that ditch over there?
MARY: Yes.
GARY: Well, I didn't
======================================================
JACK: Can you hear me Jim?
JIM: No!
======================================================
"Oh! Oh! I'm hit!"
"You shot bad, Tex?"
"You ever hear of anyone being shot good?"
======================================================
TEACHER: What was the greatest accomplishment of the Romans?
MARLO: Learning Latin.
======================================================
One friend told another, "If you want to make a small fortune, look up my accountant."
The other man said, "He's that good?"
The man said, "No, but there's a cash reward for his arrest and conviction."
======================================================
Fred came running up to the hunting campsite, breathless. "Harry," he said panting, "are all the guys out of the woods yet?"
"Yes," Harry said.
"All six of them?"
"Right."
"And everybody's safe?"
"Yes," Harry said.
"In that case," Fred said proudly, "I've just shot a deer!"
======================================================
Q. Four men fell into the water, but only three of them got their hair wet. Why?
A. One of them was bald.
======================================================
Ann: I bumped into Fran a while ago.
Nan: Oh, was she happy to see you?
Ann: Not quite--we were both in our cars at the time
======================================================
When a schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach, his mom said, "Well, sit down and drink your tea. Your stomach hurts because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
Afterward Dad came home from the office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
======================================================
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher
======================================================
What's the difference between a teacher and a train
engineer?
One trains the mind, the other minds the train
======================================================
Thweet Young Thing--"I need thome adhethive plasther."
Druggist--"What thickness?"
Thweet Young Thing--"Don't mock me, thir!"
======================================================
Customer to waiter: "Why is the steak so small? Last night I had one double this size."
Waiter: "Where did you sit?"
Customer: "Over by that window. But what does it matter?"
Waiter: "That's simple. We always serve large portions by
our windows. That's good advertising."
======================================================
"Doctor, I always feel like killing myself. What shall I do?"
"Leave it to me."
======================================================
MAN (to psychiatrist): I think I'm going nuts--I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, you must pull yourself together.
======================================================
A businessman known for his shady business tactics was counseling his son who had just graduated from college. "There are two rules," the man said, "to keep in mind throughout your business career. The first is: When you give your word, always keep it."
"Yes, Pop," the young man said. "And what's the second rule?"
"Don't give your word."
======================================================
An old farmer was once asked by a young man how it was he had become so rich.
"It is a long story," said the old man, "and while I'm telling it we may as well save the candle." And he put it out.
"You need not tell the story," said the youth. "I understand."
======================================================
A lady with a bad rash visited a dermatologist. It was the type of condition that had been present for some time.
"Have you been treated for this rash before?" inquired the doctor.
"Yes, by my druggist."
"And what sort of foolish advice did he give you?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, he told me to come to see you."
======================================================
The doctor smiled as he entered the room.
"You look much better today."
"Yes. I followed the directions on your medicine bottle."
"What were they?"
"Keep the bottle tightly closed."
======================================================
The pilot trainer said to his pupil, "Tomorrow, you'll begin flying solo."
"Really?" said the student. "How low is that?"
======================================================
They had new neighbors and the wife was interested in them.
In a few days she said:
"They seem a most devoted couple, John. He kisses her every
time he goes out, and even waves kisses to her from the sidewalk.
Why don't you do that?"
"Why don't I?" replied John. "Good heavens! I don't even
know her yet."
======================================================
Hunter: In Africa I used to hunt the wild lions on horseback.
Listener: That's astonishing. I didn't know that lions could ride horses.
======================================================
Jim: My wife says I look younger in this hat.
Bud: Oh, really? What is your age?
Jim: Fifty.
Bud: No, I mean without the hat!
======================================================
Q: When does a "B" come after "U"?
A: When you bother its nest
======================================================
TEACHER: Annie, will you please recite the alphabet?
ANNIE: A,B,C,D,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,U,V,W,X,Y,Z.
TEACHER: What happened to E,T?
ANNIE: Oh, he went back home.
======================================================
Dad was angry about Sonny's school report, "I've never read anything like it!" he raged. "It says here that you're nothing but a little terror! What does this mean?"
"It means, Dad," said the object of the report, "that I'm the son of a big terror."
======================================================

ZAX

 

[ZAX]

Hope you've liked my jokes 'cause their almost done!

=======================================
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live!
DOCTOR: Wait for me, I'll be with you in a minute.
=======================================
The troops were being trained to jump from an airplane.
Rookie: "What if my parachute doesn't open?"
Instructor: "That is known as jumping to a conclusion."
=======================================
Three slight deaf old friends met one day.
"Windy, yes?" said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the second.
"Well, so am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a cup of tea."
=======================================
DOCTOR: Do you have problems making up your mind?
PATIENT: Yes and no.
=======================================
The guy in the repair shop said, "Here it is, Mr. Jones.
Your lawnmower is now in running condition. Just one precaution,
however. Don't ever lend it to a neighbor."
"That's just the problem," said Mr. Jones. "I am the
neighbor."
=======================================
Agent (to writer): I've got some good news and some bad news.
Writer: First tell me the good news.
Agent: Paramount just loved your story, just ate it up.
Writer: That's fantastic. And the bad news?
Agent: Paramount is my dog.
=======================================
Reassuring voice heard over the intercom of a jet plane:
"Ladies and gentlemen, please sit back and relax. This plane is
entirely automatic. Automatic pilot, automatic food services,
automatic landing devices. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go
wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...."
=======================================
Pilot: Pilot to control tower...pilot to control tower...I'm
now 300 miles from land ...at 600 feet and running out of
fuel...please give instructions...over."
Tower: Control tower to pilot...tower to pilot...repeat
after me...Our Father, who art in heaven
=======================================
The pilot spoke on the intercom.
"Uh ... ladies and gentleman, I've got some bad news for
you: the aircraft's been struck by lightning.
"But I've also got some good news: we'll still be reaching
the airport on time.
"There's another bad news though, the cabin, wings, and tail
section will be arriving separately."
=======================================
At the airport, a guy who was going to take the next plane to Dallas saw a scale. He put in a quarter, and a message popped out: You weigh 175 and you're on the way to Dallas.
Puzzled, the man placed another quarter, and the same message came out.
Really addled, he went into the men's room, combed his hair in a different way, and changed his sport jacket. He returned and tested the machine with another quarter.
This time the message was: You still weigh 175, and you just missed your flight to Dallas.
=======================================
The pilot's voice from the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, We'll be arriving in two hours Please relax, Everything's fine and the weather's good and Oh my god...!"
The passengers were so terrified, They started praying and shouting.
"Sorry!" Said the pilot, "I spilled my coffee, You gotta see my pants..."
A passenger screamed: "You gotta see the back of mine!"
=======================================
Where did you get those pants?
Pants-sylvania!
... the coat?
North Da-coat-a!
... the vest?
Vest-Virginia!
... the collar?
Collar-ado!
=======================================
Two men were sleeping in a swamp. One man yelled: "An alligator just bit my foot off."
The other said: "Which one?"
"How should I know," wailed the first, "they all look alike?"
=======================================
MAT: I'd like a pair of alligator shoes.
PIERRE: Oh, really? What size does your alligator wear?
=======================================
FRED: Teacher, I'm a good student and I deserve better than a "D".
TEACHER: Okay, what grade would you like then?
FRED: Let's see--what's that letter that comes after "A" again?
=======================================
Why is New Jersey known as 'The Garden State'?"
"Because everybody's guardin' their house, guardin' their
car, guardin' their kids ..."
=======================================
Teacher: Please spell Tennessee.
Student: Okay. One-a-see, two-a-see, three-a-see...
=======================================
Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
Student: River or state?
=======================================
At an international engineering conference a Russian
questioned the man seated beside him where he came from.
"Why, I'm from the greatest country in the world," answered
the American proudly.
"Funny," observed his confused companion, "you don't sound
Russian."
=======================================
An American doughboy and a French poilu were parting at the
end of World War I.
"Au revoir!" said the poilu.
"What does that mean?" asked the doughboy.
"That's good-bye in French."
"Well, carbolic acid!" cried the doughboy.
"What does that mean?" the French soldier asked.
"That's good-bye in any language!" said the American.
=======================================
I love being an American. That's why I wear Italian suits,
eat French food, drive a Japanese car, and on holidays put out an
American flag made in Korea!
=======================================
"Doctor," the patient wailed, "you've removed my appendix
and my tonsils, but I still don't feel well!"
"Look, I've had enough out of you. . . ."
=======================================
A conversation between two women in a high society party:
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,"
said one lady. She then asked the second lady, "And how far
does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the answer. "All of our records were
lost in the Flood."
=======================================
"I wonder what our ancestors would think of our nation
today?"
"When I get to heaven, I'll ask them."
"What if they didn't go to heaven?"
"Then you ask them."
=======================================
Farmer (to new hired hand)--"Where's that mule I told you
to take out and have shod?"
New Hand--"Did you say 'shod'? I thought you said 'shot.'
I've just been buryin' her."
=======================================
A pilot said to the passengers: "I've got good news and bad news, The good news is that we are landing soon, The bad news is we're crash landing!"
=======================================
"Honney," Said a polite girl to her fiance, "Do you smoke?"
"No," Replied her fiance, "Only sometimes when I'm drunk while gambling!"
=======================================

Special Joke For The Forum:

A new member sent a private message to another member in MrExcel forum (They knew each other) saying "Hey Joe,I just joined MrExcel forum!"
So his friend sent him "WTF"
the new member replied "What does WTF stand for??!"
"Oh!," wrote his friend, "It means Welcome To Forum"

Well,Actually he meant "What The F@#*"

========================================

P.S:All these jokes...Man,That was a LOT!
Knowing that LOT stands for two:
1)Laugh Or Think (If you understand the joke then you'll surely laugh,or else you'd be thinking about it!)
2)Lot Of This

ZAX

 

[ZAX]

Any ideas to share ?