Thank you for sharing with me mister Rick,Let's add more of them....
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The longest word in the English language is the one that
comes after, "Now a word from our sponsor."
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Customer (in drug store)--"A mustard plaster."
Drug Clerk (force of habit)--"We,ve run out of mustard; how
about mayonnaise?"
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The bride said, " My little plum."
The groom said," My little peach."
The minister said, " I now pronounce you fruit salad!"
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A child came home from school in tears, explaining, " The kids say I look like a monkey."
" Forget it , " his mother said." Now eat your banana and go upstairs and comb your face!"
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We've just come up with a new anti- anti-anti-anti-missile. It has one drawback-it keeps shooting itself down.
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I know a garbage man who couldn't hold a wife. He kept bringing his work home.
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A doctor walked into the sleeping patient's room. The nurse asked. " What are we operating for?"
The doctor said, " two thousand dollars."
" You don't understand. I mean, what does he have?"
" I told you. two thousand dollars!"
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" Where have you been?"
" I moved."
" Where?"
" To a new place."
" Where's the new place?"
" Across the street from the old place."
" Where's the old place?"
" Across the street."
" From where?"
" The new place."
" Forget it!"
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Draftee: My name's Wright and you spelled it wrong twice. Two wrongs don't make it right.
company clerk: That's right.
draftee: But it's wrong.
clerk: If it's wrong, it can't be right.
draftee: you don't understand. My name's Wright.
clerk: How do you write it, Wright?
draftee: That's not right.
clerk: Then you don't write it Wright?
draftee: Right.
clerk: Next!
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He has the kind of car he shouldn't stop.
the minute he does, people think it's an accident!
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A funeral procession was winding its way down the main street of the town. A stranger asked the man next to him, " Whose funeral is it?"
The man answered, " The guy in the first car."
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" Do you drink coffee?"
" Every day."
" Doctors say it's a slow poison."
" It must be. I'm eighty-five!"
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" What's the matter with your brother?"
" He lost his wife and he's going crazy."
" Is he going to get married again?"
" No, he's not that crazy!"
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I know somebody who had a job testing sleeping pills. they fired him because he fell awake on the job!
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On a busy street, a man jumps into a cab and says, " Follow the car in front of you."
" I have to ," says the cabbie . " He's towing us!"
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, " What's on the TV?"
I said, " Dust!"
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Talk about an absentminded man- yesterday he cut his finger and forgot to bleed!
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There was an absentminded professor who saw a sign on his door that said, " Back in thirty minutes. " So he sat down to wait.
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Recently a woman went through three red lights in a row. They were on the truck in front of her!
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" I almost got killed twice today."
" Once would have been enough!"
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, " Did you miss a step?"
" No," he answers, " I hit every one of them!"
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" What," the judge asked the defendant,
" were you doing when the police came?"
" Waiting , sir."
" For what?"
" For money."
" Who was supposed to give you money?"
" The man I'd been waiting for."
" What did he have to give it to you for?"
" For waiting "
" Enough of this garbage! What do you do for living ?"
" I am a waiter."
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A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the
doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't
budge. " Forget it ," the man finally said. " We'll never get this in."
The neighbor looked at him quizzically and said, " In?"
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An old man came into an office and asked the manager, " Can I see Eddie Carson? I'm his grandfather."
The manager said, " He's not here. He's at your funeral!"
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Conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
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Insurance covers everything except what happen.
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There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.
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A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try
to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster.
" And now what, my little man?" he asked.
" Now," said the boy, " run like hell."
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The first bug to hill a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
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The ship was sinking the captain called the passengers and crew and asked, " Is there any body who can really prey?"
One passenger said " I prey all the time."
Captain " Good terrific because we're short of one life preserver."
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A man went to his doctor who gave him six months to live, the man was unable to pay the bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
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A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, While the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately restructured its team. Now they had one senior manager , six management consultants and one rower. In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles. So the Americans company fired the rower.
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" I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. " First, the bad news , The blood test came back , and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
" Oh, no!" cried the client. " What is the good news?"
" Your cholesterol is down to 140."
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Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss:" I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
" That's fine," roared the boss, " But where were you Monday and Tuesday?'
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Are these enough for you???
