Let's Tell a Story - Excel Style

[Greg Truby]

Given that I'm postin' this right before Thanksgiving, it may fall to you Brits, Aussies, Canadians and the good folk from other lands to help me get this started. I thought we might try another of the old chain story exercises. Since this is Mr. Excel after all, may I suggest that we try and "Excel-ize" it. Here's what I'm thinking. Each sentence should contain an Excel keyword. "Keyword" being either an Excel worksheet function or a VBA command/keyword. See if you can avoid repeating your keyword and try not to rely on the simple operators (AND, OR, NOT, IS) for your keyword. So here's me trying to get the tale started...<hr>
Bubba and Billie Joe's shift had come to an end and they were strolling through the plant's parking lot. As they passed rows of pickups and SUV's, Bubba could still see showers falling in the east. But the western sky was clear and the afternoon sun warmed their faces and shoulders. The air had the sort of fresh scent that only God's rain can bestow upon it.

Since they were late coming off of the first shift, they decided to wait for traffic to clear out a bit. Bubba dropped the tailgate of his new Dodge Ram 2500 Quad Cab. Then while Bubba reached into the back of the cab and grabbed a couple of cans of Coors, Billie Joe turned on the radio. A search of the airwaves yielded Alan Jackson's Chatahoochie.

"Bubba, did I tell you we got a call from Emma the other day? Her 2nd tour in Iraq is finally 'bout up and she'll return home some time in the next couple weeks. She said she thinks she can come visit us towards the end of the month."

Since he was a tadpole, Bubba had had a small crush on Billie Joe's cousin, Emma. "I still can't picture her as a soldier. Do you remember that summer when we was kids 'n' yer pa took us camping and Emma...

 

[RichardS]

… tried to shoot a large bear? She must have missed it by a mile. To think that she is now fighting terrorists in a foreign land just amazes me.”

“Yep”, said Billie Joe, “it sure was an odd career for her to choose, given her background. I must admit, I thought she was more likely to stay true to her families wishes and get a job at the power station.”

Just then, there was a break in the music, and the DJ began to speak.

“Here is a special announcement. This frequency has been selected by…

 

[Andrew Fergus]

...the good folk at GCD to broadcast next weeks fashion show. Start a trend today with Grant Cook Design. Coming up we have "A Love She Can Count on" by The Miracles".

“Hmmm” thought Bubba while he finished his Coors, “what an odd announcement”.

“Anyhoo” said Bille Joe, “traffics cleared up early for this time of day. Let’s go see Max at ..... ”

 

[just_jon]

" ... up to the bait and pawn shop! If I get home any earlier'n 6:00, I'll just get a bunch of static from Louella May 'bout getting a real job, with long hours."

Bubba scratched in that intimate way that only men do, then said: "Well, lets get us a case of them longnecks and make a long night outta it."

Earl's Fine Wines and Gun Store was up on the main road, and was open 'til 1:00 every night. Bubba said: "Wait here, I won't be but a minute. What kinda longnecks y'all want to find in your hand when I get back?"

Billy Joe thought a while and said: "They got a big selection but you know I'm a Bud man!"

Just then, the most hideous noise split the air, and Bubba screamed "If I hear that sound one more time, I'm gonna go join the ..."

 

[Glaswegian]

...Salvation Army!" He walked into Earl's Fine Wines, doing a quick mentalcalculation on his available cash. But just as Bubba reached the beers the interiorlights went dim.

"What the hell...?" he muttered, stumbling into the next aisle. The hideous noise started again.

Bubba headed for what he thought was the nearest window, desparate to find a way out. Billy Joe was out there - he had to save him! In the darkness Bubba tripped again, this time over a partly hidden case of Coke. He staggered down the entirerow of beers for sale and saw his target, just a few feet away - the door!

Except, it didn't look like a normal door, more like...

 

[Greg Truby]

a portal to another dimension in the space time continuum. Feeling a twinge of trepidation about what he might find awaiting him, Bubba pushed through the portal.

Turns out the brightness was just some hillbilly in a 4×4 that had his huntin’ lights shining straight into the entrance of Earl's Fine Wines and Gun Store.

Returning to the store (they still didn’t have their longnecks after all), Bubba saw that the hideous scream came from a drunken good ol’ boy in Earl’s new bait & tackle partition. Seems he had been havin’ a look in the aquarium and picked up a snappin’ turtle to get a better view. And it was now latched fiercely onto his…

 

[zilpher]

scrotum.

Bubba woke in the hospital, covered in a sheet from the waist down.

The doctor burst into the room, "This is a very Select Case" he said, "I must Set out some ground rules but we should speak in Private"

The doctor then proceeded to eject the nurses and staff before whispering to Bubba his intent.

"I will need to apply some ointment. This Application will be quite cold, almost freezing. There are lots of students here today who could benefit from seeing this. We can do this in Public or Private, it's your Option: Private Module or Public Classroom."

Bubba did not know what to do, normally in times like these his hand would wander south whilst he pondered, but not today.

"The thirst for knowledge should be slaked" he cried, "Set the class up, I shall bare all to my fellow man"

"Actually, they're all women" said the Doctor and Bubba felt the blood flow to his...

 

[shades]

... fingers, as he reached for the railing, and screamed indirectly to the doctor, "You didn't tell me the Option is this Explicit."

But the wonder of this whole new procedure is that now his ABS are very firm, giving a unique value to his

 

[WillR]

left buttock, which had swelled to a rather large size.

Man, now I'm turning into a weibull, it's just not fair!!
How am I going to find Billy Joe when my mind isblank ?? Perhaps I ought to...

 

[Legacy 5624]

... go to find substitute procedure for next size change of ****, then ...