# News bulletin.



## AJ (Jul 8, 2002)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th year people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor truble or difikultis and envrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!


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## Al Chara (Jul 8, 2002)

AJ,

I like that one a lot.


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## Anne Troy (Jul 8, 2002)

Buy him/her a beer!!


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## jan (Jul 8, 2002)

AJ!
It's now a day later and I'm still laughing


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## AJ (Jul 9, 2002)

Pleased y'all liked it!
Oh and Anne, yes, please feel free to buy me as many beers as you want!

Rgds
Alexander



Here's another ...

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!



EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 -

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 -

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 -

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm.
Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 -

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 -

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 -

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
This message was edited by  AJ on 2002-07-09 18:18


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## Barrie Davidson (Jul 9, 2002)

AJ, loved the diaries!  I'll bet you now suffer from a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome as a result of your excellent joke telling.


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## Tex (Jul 9, 2002)

Difference between dogs and cats :-

Dog thinks - Humans must be God because they feed and stroke me.

Cat thinks - I must be God because humans feed and stroke me.


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## Steve Hartman (Jul 10, 2002)

> On 2002-07-09 18:18, AJ wrote:
> Pleased y'all liked it!



A Londoner who says y'all?! Y'all aren't originally from Texas are y'all?

By the way y'all is singular, as in "Would y'all like a beer?" The plural form is all y'all, as in "Would all y'all like a beer?"


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## Steve Hartman (Jul 10, 2002)

> On 2002-07-09 22:46, Tex wrote:
> Difference between dogs and cats :-
> 
> Dog thinks - Humans must be God because they feed and stroke me.
> ...



Dogs come when you call; cats have answering machines.


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## Chris Davison (Jul 10, 2002)

Cat Haiku :

Stroke me, just by my tail,
Behold ! Elevator butt...


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## Von Pookie (Jul 10, 2002)

That describes Penny perfectly.

It's not _exactly_ a haiku, though :wink: 

_________________<font color="blue" size="4">Kristy</font>   
	

	
	
		
		

		
			









This message was edited by  Von Pookie on 2002-07-10 09:25


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## Von Pookie (Jul 10, 2002)

> On 2002-07-10 05:26, Steve Hartman wrote:
> 
> Dogs come when you call; cats have answering machines.



Depends on the cat, actually. I can whistle for Penny like one does for a dog, and she usually comes running every time.

And my aunt has a cat that will play fetch with his little ball...


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## Steve Hartman (Jul 10, 2002)

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty". Drop pill into it's mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 

3. Follow same procedure as in 1. but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get a new cat]

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your right elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw ... and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on curtains. Leave pill in your hair. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 

7. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming the "who's the boss here anyway" attitude, open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooops! 

8. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think.. Aha! Those flashing claws are Causing the chaos.

9. Crawl to the linen cupboard. Drag back one large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

10. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

11. Spread cat on towel near one end ... with it's head over long edge.

12. Flatten cat's front and back legs over it's stomach. [Resist impulse to flatten the cat]. 

13. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man [or woman]. 

14. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.. 

15. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila ... It's done. 

16. Vacuum up loose fur [cat's]. Apply bandages to wounds [yours]. 

17. Take 2 aspirins. Lie down. 

18. Cat walks past, gives you look and spits out pill whilst disappearing through catflap. 



An alternative suggestion:

1. Take pepper mill and empty out pepper. 
2. Insert pill into pepper mill 
3. Grind pill over back of cat. 
4. Relax with cup of coffee while cat licks ground up pill off its fur.


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## klb (Jul 11, 2002)

HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL

Wrap it in hamburger...


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## Legacy 5624 (Jul 11, 2002)

> On 2002-07-11 05:36, klb wrote:
> HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
> 
> Wrap it in hamburger...



A very large hamburger would be required to wrap round a dog, wouldn't it?


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## klb (Jul 12, 2002)

Not if it is a very small dog....


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## wingman19 (Jul 21, 2002)

Difference between dogs and cats:

To a dog, you're family.

To a cat, you're staff.


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