# A Message from John Cleese



## atmospheric (Oct 18, 2005)

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her SovereignMajesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be  disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation"


----------



## Joe4 (Oct 19, 2005)

Here's a word to look up --"gullible"

John Cleese never said that:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp


----------



## Cbrine (Oct 19, 2005)

Gullible or not, it's still pretty funny.  I hadn't seen this one yet.


----------



## killerleaf (Oct 19, 2005)

ok, the part about not taking Kansas, I understand...the only problem I see with this is that those of us in Texas will offically take our state back, and we will be a Nation again....therefore, not falling under anybody's rule except our own...of course, that reminds of another one of these "rants", will have to try to find it...


----------



## Legacy 1363 (Oct 19, 2005)

John Cleese's musings never include serious suggestions - they are always entirely tongue-in-cheek.
So obviously he could not have written it.
(It does, however, include some very commendable observations and recommendations.)


----------



## whiteghost (Oct 20, 2005)

as for driving on the left... it should be done in stages... 1st month only private cars will change to driving on the left (which will cut down the amount of  "gas gusslers") next month  private cars AND suv's


----------



## Todd Bardoni (Oct 23, 2005)

I knew this couldn't have been written by Cleese because this was actually funny.


----------



## countingapples (Oct 24, 2005)

who cares who wrote it. it is extremely hilarious   I'll be keeping that one around for emergeny use on rough days in the office.


----------



## Andrew Fergus (Oct 25, 2005)

This link might help answer who actually wrote it.


----------

