# Let's Tell a Story - Excel Style



## Greg Truby (Nov 24, 2004)

Given that I'm postin' this right before Thanksgiving, it may fall to you Brits, Aussies, Canadians and the good folk from other lands to help me get this started.  I thought we might try another of the old chain story exercises.  Since this is _Mr. Excel_ after all, may I suggest that we try and "Excel-ize" it.  Here's what I'm thinking.  Each sentence should contain an Excel keyword.  "Keyword" being either an Excel worksheet function or a VBA command/keyword.  See if you can avoid repeating your keyword and try not to rely on the simple operators (AND, OR, NOT, IS) for your keyword.  So here's me trying to get the tale started...<hr>
Bubba and Billie Joe's shift had come to an *end* and they were strolling through the plant's parking lot.  As they passed *rows* of pickups and SUV's, Bubba could still see showers falling in the east.  But the western sky was *clear* and the afternoon sun warmed their faces and shoulders.  The air had the *sort* of fresh scent that only God's rain can bestow upon it.

Since they were late coming off of the first shift, they decided to *wait* for traffic to clear out a bit.  Bubba dropped the tailgate of his *new* Dodge Ram 2500 Quad Cab. Then *while* Bubba reached into the back of the cab and grabbed a couple of cans of Coors, Billie Joe turned on the radio.  A *search* of the airwaves yielded Alan Jackson's _Chatahoochie_.

"Bubba, did I tell you we got a *call* from Emma the other day?  Her 2nd tour in Iraq is finally 'bout up and she'll *return* home some time in the next couple weeks.  She said she thinks she can come visit us towards the end of the *month*."

Since he was a tadpole, Bubba had had a *small* crush on Billie Joe's cousin, Emma.  "I still can't *picture* her as a soldier.  *Do* you remember that summer when we was kids 'n' yer pa took us camping and Emma...


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## RichardS (Nov 24, 2004)

… tried to shoot a *large* bear? She must have missed it by a mile. To think that she is *now* fighting terrorists in a foreign land just amazes me.”

“Yep”, said Billie Joe, “it sure was an *odd* career for her to *choose*, given her background. I must admit, I thought she was more likely to stay *true* to her families wishes and get a job at the *power* station.”

Just then, there was a *break* in the music, and the DJ began to speak.

“Here is a special announcement. This *frequency* has been selected by…


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## Andrew Fergus (Nov 25, 2004)

...the good folk at *GCD* to broadcast next weeks fashion show.  Start a *trend* *today* with Grant Cook Design.  Coming up we have "A Love She Can *Count* on" by _The Miracles_".  

“Hmmm” thought Bubba while he finished his Coors, “what an *odd* announcement”.

“Anyhoo” said Bille Joe, “traffics cleared up early for this *time* of *day*.  Let’s go see *Max* at ..... ”


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## just_jon (Nov 25, 2004)

" ... up to the bait *and* pawn shop! If I *get* home any earlier'n 6:00, I'll just get a bunch of *static* from Louella May 'bout getting a real job, with *long* hours."

Bubba scratched in that intimate way that only men *do*, *then* said: "Well, lets get us a *case* of them longnecks and make a *long* night outta it."

Earl's Fine Wines and Gun Store was up on the main road, and was *open *'til 1:00 every night. Bubba said: "*Wait* here, I won't be but a minute. What kinda longnecks y'all want to *find* in your hand when I get back?"

Billy Joe thought a *while* and said: "They got a big *selection* but you know I'm a Bud man!" 

Just then, the most hideous noise *split *the air, and Bubba screamed "If I hear that sound one more time, I'm gonna go *join *the ..."


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## Glaswegian (Nov 25, 2004)

...Salvation Army!"  He walked into Earl's Fine Wines, doing a quick mental*calculation* on his available cash.  But just as Bubba reached the beers the *interior*lights went *dim.*

"What the hell...?" he muttered, stumbling into the *next* aisle. The hideous noise started again.  

Bubba headed for what he thought was the nearest *window*, desparate to *find* a way out.  Billy Joe was out there - he had to *save* him!  In the darkness Bubba tripped again, this time over a partly *hidden* *case* of Coke.  He staggered down the *entirerow* of beers for sale and saw his *target*, just a few feet away - the door!  

Except, it didn't look like a normal door, more like...


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## Greg Truby (Nov 28, 2004)

a portal to another dimension in the *space time* continuum.  Feeling a twinge of trepidation about what he might *find* awaiting him, Bubba pushed through the portal.  

Turns out the *brightness* was just some hillbilly in a 4×4 that had his huntin’ lights shining straight into the entrance of Earl's Fine Wines and Gun Store.   

Returning to the store (they still didn’t have their longnecks after all), Bubba saw that the hideous scream came from a drunken good ol’ boy in Earl’s new bait & tackle *partition.*  Seems he had been havin’ a *look in* the aquarium and picked up a snappin’ turtle to get a better *view.* And it was *now* latched fiercely onto his…


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## zilpher (Nov 29, 2004)

scrotum.

Bubba woke *in* the hospital, covered *in* a *sheet* from the waist down.

The doctor burst into the room, "*This is * a very *Select Case*" he said, "I must *Set* out some ground rules but we should speak in *Private*"

The doctor *then* proceeded to eject the nurses *and* staff before whispering *to* Bubba his intent.

"I will need to apply some ointment. *This Application* will be quite cold, almost freezing. There are lots of students here *today* who could benefit from seeing this. We can do this in *Public* or *Private*, it's your *Option*: *Private Module* or *Public Class*room."

Bubba did *not* know what *to* do, normally in times *like* these his hand would wander south whilst he pondered, but *not today*.

"The thirst for knowledge should be slaked" he cried, "*Set* the *class* up, I shall bare all to my fellow man"

"Actually, they're all women" said the Doctor and Bubba felt the blood flow to his...


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## shades (Nov 29, 2004)

... fingers, as he reached for the railing, and screamed *indirect*ly to the doctor, "You didn't tell me the *Option* is _this_ *Explicit*."

But the wonder of this *whole* new *procedure* is that *now* his *ABS* are very firm, giving a *unique value* to his


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## WillR (Nov 30, 2004)

*left* buttock, which had swelled to a rather *large* size.

Man, *now* I'm turning into a *weibull*, it's just *not* fair!!
How am I going to find Billy Joe when my mind *isblank* ?? Perhaps I ought to...


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## Legacy 5624 (Nov 30, 2004)

... *go to find substitute procedure for next size change * of ******,* then* ...


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## just_jon (Dec 3, 2004)

... tell that ol' fool Billy Joe *to* *byte* me! *Now* *if* I could just *stop* *count*ing my toes *long * enough to *find* him ...


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## Zack Barresse (Dec 6, 2004)

.. it might not be a waste of *Time*.  Although, *With* days like *Today*, one tends to wonder.  And I *Do* have a toe *For Each* finger, except my *Left* hand, which has one extra.  This was an unfortunate accident with *ROUNDUP* in my garden.  It was a *Series* of unfortunate *Events* in the *Month* of August.  I thought I could *Trim* garden with one hand.  Billy Joe had a good laugh at my *Sin*, to which I replied ...


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