# The Users Guide to I.T. Support



## NateO (Jun 30, 2005)

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the I.T. Support, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here too.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up."

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

16. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

17. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/ NT / network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

18. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

19. When you find an I.T. person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.

20. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

21. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

22. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

23. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

24. When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail servers.

25. When an I.T. person gets in the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up to no end.

26. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out 200 miles away like to keep abreast of what's going on.

27. When you bump into an I.T. person at the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

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## Glaswegian (Jul 1, 2005)

Superb Nate - but sadly they are mostly true!!

One of our IT guys advised this as well:

When your PC or monitor is not working, several hard thumps on the case or side will help.  Modern electronic equipment will remain in top working condition by being beaten and tossed around the office.
 

Regards


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## Felix Atagong (Jul 1, 2005)

You have been lurking through my webcam, didn't you?

Wednesday morning, big alarm when I came in at 8.30 AM (half an hour to early).

THE NIGHT SHIFT HAS HAD PROBLEMS ALL NIGHT LONG - NONE OF THE PRINTERS WERE WORKING!!!

Me (slightly panicking): what was the problem, netwerk gone, firewall exploded, electricity down?

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY TONER LEFT!!!

(This really happened 2 days ago, honestly)


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## Felix Atagong (Jul 1, 2005)

Oh yeah, and a couple of days ago there was a storm over Brussels and some of our electricity fuses switched off.

Guess who they called to switch them back on...


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## Glaswegian (Jul 1, 2005)

Felix , what does it feel like to be indispensable?


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## Felix Atagong (Jul 6, 2005)

If the IT department puts an Excel manual on the server, be sure that everyone at the office prints its 375 pages, and then puts the lot in a drawer, never to be looked at again.


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## Glaswegian (Jul 6, 2005)

Felix Atagong said:
			
		

> If the IT department puts an Excel manual on the server, be sure that everyone at the office prints its 375 pages, and then puts the lot in a drawer, never to be looked at again.


That happens anyway, never mind specifically Excel.


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## just_jon (Jul 6, 2005)

"Comments? Why, the code is self-documenting."


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## Glaswegian (Jul 6, 2005)

just_jon said:
			
		

> "Comments? Why, the code is self-documenting."


Yes and different versions seem to find their way into people's brains, without them actually reading the documents - even though there is only one version in existence.

I put it down to aliens or the Government or sunspots.


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## shades (Jul 6, 2005)

Or to paraphrase Mark Twain:

It must be idiots, or Congress... but I repeat myself.


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## Felix Atagong (Jul 7, 2005)

Deny that you have unzipped and executed an attachment, this to provoke conversations as follows (IT people love an Edgar Allan Poe mystery):

Scene: The IT dpt where I find a worm that has been apparently send from within the company, the PC that sends it is quickly found.

FA: Your PC tries to send a worm to everyone else!
IV (Innocent Victim): I didn't click on it.
FA: Your inbox has a mail with an attachment that says girls.zip
IV: I didn't click on it.
FA: In your unzipped folder there is a subfolder called girls.
IV: I didn't click on it.
FA: In that subfolder is a file called girls.exe
IV: I didn't click on it.
FA: Sow how does it comes that the worm is trying to send that attachment to everybody else.
IV: It surprises me that the IT dpt doesn't know that these viruses infect your PC the moment they arrive in your mailbox...


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## Smitty (Jul 13, 2005)

OK, so I'm working away diligently today  :wink: , and the head of IT calls to tell me that she needs to access my system to run a softwares [sic] audit.  I say OK as I hurriedly try to close MSN Messenger to my wife...She (IT Manager) discovers "Shockwaves" [sic] and "Google Toolbar", which puts me in violation of company policy for unauthorized softwares [sic].  I tried to explain exactly what "Shockwaves" was and she said that she would do some research as she had never heard of it before.  The Google Toolbar had to go though.  EDIT: She didn't know what that was either...  

Ten minutes later an IT tech calls to say he's accessing my system to uninstall the Google Toolbar, laughing his A$$ off the whole way that his boss is so clueless...But it does have to be done and I do have to be written up.  But hey, I got written up for having SpyBot and AdAware on my PC too.  (Neither of which the IT Manager had heard of...  )

20 minutes later the IT Manager calls to inform me that she's got to access my system again to take a screen shot of my VirusScan status (current definitions, etc.)  Naieve me, thinking that there's got to be a better way asks if there isn't a report for that.  Reply: "Yes, but we need proof for the auditors".  Response: "I hope that they're external auditors, because if we've got anyone that determined to waste time & money, we're in big trouble!"  

She hung up (nicely) to go on and call the other 1,000 PC users in our unit.    

Silly me, they want a PRINTED copy from EACH PC to PROVE that virus scan is updated.  Hmmm....I guess they figured out to recover from the Enron's of the world...SarBox (SUX) doesn't seem to have hurt the auditors now that they've found another revenue stream...****ers!

Hope you have better dealings with them, they take up most of my time now.    

Smitty


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## Norie (Jul 13, 2005)

Best reply I ever got was, "I don't know, have you tried turning your computer off and then starting it up again."


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## Andrew Fergus (Jul 13, 2005)

Hey Smitty

I guess some people have to try really hard to justify their position....

If your boss is so uninformed (as well as paranoid) about softwares (sic) why not download and install something like Stinger to see what reaction you get?  Or is yours the sort of organisation that restricts such things as desktop wallpaper, screen savers and web surfing?  As for being booked for having Spybot & AdAware - ppffttt!  They are real life savers!

Would surfing through an online anonymiser defeat their web surfing snoops?

Cheers, Andrew :wink:


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## Glaswegian (Jul 13, 2005)

Andrew, somehow I doubt if any of your suggestions will help.  When we switched to XP recently, all new PCs are now configured in such a way that users cannot
-	change the wallpaper
-	access the BIOS 
-	cannot download and install almost anything
-	download and install Flash
But – you can set your own sound scheme – yeeeaaahhh!!!

Of course Web access is severely restricted and monitored.

The Thought Police are alive and well and thriving in Glasgow


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## Barrie Davidson (Jul 13, 2005)

Norie said:
			
		

> Best reply I ever got was, "I don't know, have you tried turning your computer off and then starting it up again."



 I've experienced that many times!


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## shades (Jul 13, 2005)

The sad thing is: with Windows, many times that seems to work!

I remember buying a brand new Volvo in 1977. On the test drive, we stopped somewhere. Then tried to start the Volvo again. Brand new - it wouldn't start. So, the salesman says, "Yeah, that is a problem occasionally. We have found the best solution is to get out of the car, walk around the car, then start it." As I was laughing, I looked at him, and he was serious!! So I got out of the car, walked around it - and it started! Several times over the next 10 years I had to start the car that way.


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## just_jon (Jul 13, 2005)

shades said:
			
		

> The sad thing is: with Windows, many times that seems to work!
> 
> I remember buying a brand new Volvo in 1977. On the test drive, we stopped somewhere. Then tried to start the Volvo again. Brand new - it wouldn't start. So, the salesman says, "Yeah, that is a problem occasionally. We have found the best solution is to get out of the car, walk around the car, then start it." As I was laughing, I looked at him, and he was serious!! So I got out of the car, walked around it - and it started! Several times over the next 10 years I had to start the car that way.



You had to "wind" the car, eh, like a watch?

Did it make a difference which way you went?


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## Glaswegian (Jul 13, 2005)

> Did it make a difference which way you went?


Was downhill the best way by any chance?


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## shades (Jul 13, 2005)

Can't remember now (ya know how old codgers are). 

[EDIT: Give old timers enough time and they will remember! I always walked around *clockwise*!]

 Aside from that quirk it *was* an excellent car!


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## Smitty (Jul 13, 2005)

> Or is yours the sort of organisation that restricts such things as desktop wallpaper, screen savers and web surfing? As for being booked for having Spybot & AdAware - ppffttt! They are real life savers!


Yes.    

I used to have WebShots as a screen saver with a bunch of climbing shots (loved that collection) and had to remove it because it wasn't approved.  I can understand part of the policies as our average user will click on just about anything, but seriously, when it gets to the point of having beneficial software violate a policy because of plain ignorance is just plain stoopid!

Smitty


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## shades (Jul 13, 2005)

"Ya got a problem wit dat, boy? We smarten you right up to our way of thinkin'!"

At least that was the advice given to me ~50 years ago. There are rules that make sense, and then there are Rules. Don't ever confuse the two.


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## Joe4 (Jul 13, 2005)

I got another one for NateO's list that happened to us a few weeks ago:

If you totally screw something up in a software program, it is best to simply turn off the computer and go home and not worry about telling any IT people until tomorrow.  Never mind that there are numerous nightly scheduled jobs that depend on the stability of the program and the validity of the data in it! :x


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