# Things you WON'T hear a programmer say



## atmospheric (Dec 2, 2005)

I'll start:

I can do that in five minutes, just have a coffee and it will be ready.


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## JazzSP8 (Dec 2, 2005)

I'll do it for free...


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## Smitty (Dec 2, 2005)

Sure...

Smitty


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## nbrcrunch (Dec 2, 2005)

this legacy code is easy to read.


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## Tazguy37 (Dec 2, 2005)

atmospheric said:
			
		

> I can do that in five minutes, just have a coffee and it will be ready.



I can do that in five minutes, but I'm going to tell you it took a day, and bill you accordingly.


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## tactps (Dec 3, 2005)

Your request is perfectly clear and I have no questions before I start.


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## atmospheric (Dec 3, 2005)

Microsoft write the best software


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## Andrew Fergus (Dec 3, 2005)

Feel free to change the data structures at any point during this project.


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## just_jon (Dec 3, 2005)

Document the code? Sure thing! My *favorite* way to kill an hour!


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## atmospheric (Dec 3, 2005)

I met this girl at a club last night...


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## Andrew Fergus (Dec 3, 2005)

Is that a false moustache?


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## nbrcrunch (Dec 3, 2005)

It was supposed to be things you'd never hear a programmer stating.  They may have been socially dysfunctional nerds in the past, but not anymore.  (I know, I is one.  )



			
				atmospheric said:
			
		

> I met this girl at a club last night...


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## atmospheric (Dec 4, 2005)

OK nbrcrunch, how about.........

My girlfiend said.........


Joke
(Her: "And where are you going?" 
Programmer: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention." 
Her: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you." )


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## nbrcrunch (Dec 4, 2005)

LOL

With two children, its too late for me to qualify in that category.


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## Zack Barresse (Dec 4, 2005)

Sure I can fix the problem I told you about months ago by tomorrow; the problem you told me not to worry about the 'simple fix' or 'waste my time with it.  I love to work late to meet dealines, and my wife and kids appreciate it as well.  Maybe we can do lunch sometime.


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## atmospheric (Dec 4, 2005)

Before I start coding, I should find out exactly what the client wants.


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## Felix Atagong (Dec 5, 2005)

That is MY mistake, so you don't have to buy new hardware and I'll make you a patch for free.


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## Oaktree (Dec 5, 2005)

1) It would be my absolute pleasure to provide you with a firm cost quote based on the three sentence description you have provided.

2) Your diagram of stick figures; blank boxes; and random, unlabeled arrows layed it all out perfectly.


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## atmospheric (Dec 5, 2005)

No thanks, I've had enough coffee for today.....


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## Cbrine (Dec 5, 2005)

I think I will go the other way.  Things you won't hear from a programmer, that they would like to say.

You want to do what?????  Are you a F#$%@#$ Idiot?


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## XLGibbs (Dec 5, 2005)

Along the same lines...

Sure, I can make it idiot proof, but you need it before 2034 right?


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## Andrew Fergus (Dec 5, 2005)

Let's make it Y10K-proof shall we?


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## whiteghost (Dec 9, 2005)

Never say "idiot proof".... there is always a big enough idiot to proove you wrong... [i'm still trying to find my glasses]


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## atmospheric (Dec 10, 2005)

"At some point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user."


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## XLGibbs (Dec 10, 2005)

OT, but I usually just circumvent the standard error message with the following:

"You have generated an ID10-T error, please replace current user"

Granted,these are not widely distributed applications or excel files, but the user has to do an enormous amount of "wrong" to get the message.

After the initial confusion, they realize that they are the problem.


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## Felix Atagong (Jan 25, 2006)

No you don't need to take me out to lunch, I'll have some sandwiches while I'll finish the job.

(This really happened to me, a network-bloke that costed me 500 Euro a day + expenses, refused to work any longer if we didn't take him out to lunch at noon. Of course this diminished his 'active working time' in our company with about 3 hours a day. His daily fee stayed the same of course).


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## Zack Barresse (Jan 25, 2006)

> "You have generated an ID10-T error, please replace current user"


ROFL!

In the fire service, it's a ritual to make the probies go on errant runs which will always result in a big headache for them and a great laugh for you.  (Much like the Marines like to operate.    )  The best is to send them looking for an ID 10-T (ID ten Tango) form.


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## Smitty (Jan 25, 2006)

Yup, and in the well service/drilling industry, it was plugs for the rig (diesel), and of course, carpenters with the 'ol Board Stretecher...The best was the ranch manager asking me for a knife when the owner 's 13-year old nephew broke a finger spilling a 3-wheeler: "That finger's gotta come off boy, we ain't got time to get you to a doctor...Smitty, hold him down..."

Smitty

EDIT: Axctually the best was as a pledge in College and my pledge brothers and I were sent on the all important task (as they all were) of getting a keg...When we pulled into my driveway, I calmly pointed out to some very anxious pledge brothers that we had done EXACTLY what had been asked: we bought a keg (with the GMC's credit card), but no one had said a thing about where to take it...


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## caringsharingbristolbilly (Feb 3, 2006)

How about:

"Actually, I wouldn't bother rebooting your PC, it probably won't help."


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## atmospheric (Dec 29, 2006)

Just to resurrect this old post: The psychological makeup of a programmer:



> The stereotypical programmer is a shy young man who works in a darkened room............


Who qualifies? Check this out:

http://www.gamasutra.com/features/19991222/mcconnell_pfv.htm


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## Trances (Jan 2, 2007)

I can actually reuse code I wrote 3 year ago so it wont nearly as many development hours and save your a bundle.


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## Oorang (Jan 2, 2007)

> Just to resurrect this old post: The psychological makeup of a programmer:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I have taken those briggs myers a couple times. I keep coming up different. I have tested INTJ-ENTJ, INFJ & ISTJ... I think it really depends on the day you take it. Here is a site where you can test for free: http://humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm


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