# Homemade jokes



## Expiry (Jul 10, 2009)

Come on then. What about jokes you've made up yourself. Let's see how these compare to the ones on the 'favourites' thread:

Here's some I made earlier:



A waste disposal man turns up at a hospital and says to the Doctor "I've come to take away all of your used catheter bags."

The Doctor replies, "Are you taking the p***?"

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An engaged couple are shopping for their wedding cake and start having an arguement in the shop:

The bride-to-be, quite upset, says "But, I only want one layer on our wedding cake"

Her fiance insists, "Look, I want 3 layers, and that's the end of it, so get used to the idea!"

The shop owner turns to his assistant and says "I can see this is going to end in tiers".

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A man goes to a shop to buy a ramp. Whilst admiring one on display, the salesman says  "This one's £100, sir". "Hmmm. It's pretty steep".

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## snowblizz (Jul 10, 2009)

I no longer remember if this is something I've made up or heard somewhere...

The Pessimist: It just can't get any worse than this...
The Optimist: Yes it can!


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## Patience (Jul 10, 2009)

As a child I reduced my mother to fits of giggles and my dad to shock by very innocently (yeah right) saying:

"Mum - why do men have more hair on their legs than women? Is it because they haven't fully evoloved from gorillas yet?"

I guess we had just been doing evoloution in school (and probably didn't go quite enough into exactly WHAT we all evolved from (as it certainly wasn't gorillas.)) Nevertheless my mother enjoyed it.


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## MorganO (Jul 10, 2009)

I have 2:

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Why was the pet rock so hungry?  Beacause he was stoned.

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Aboard the Titanic, just before it hit the iceberg, one of the builders of the ship was boasting to the passengers, "This ship is so seaworthy that even God couldn't sink her!"  Up in heaven upon overhearing this, God starting laughing so hard that he overturned the iced tea on his side table and and ice cube fell out...

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Owen


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## Expiry (Jul 13, 2009)

Here's one I made up during Wimbledon. This is the most contrived tennis joke ever, I'm sure:

Roger Federer and the Williams sisters were on a camping trip in the Outback. It was just after the Australian open (probably). Anyway, they got lost and ended up stranded for weeks and weeks. Food supplies soon ran out and Venus, being the slightest of them all, didn't last very long and she died of hunger

Serena was starving to death, literally, but there was nothing that she could eat, except her dead sister.

So Roger Federer.


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## Richard Schollar (Jul 13, 2009)

Oh God that's so bad!!!!  It made me laugh though


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## MorganO (Jul 13, 2009)

> So Roger Federer.


 
Good stuff!  Expiry, do you do Stand-up comedy?!?


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## Patience (Jul 13, 2009)

That is so wrong!


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## Domski (Jul 13, 2009)

Please, nobody consider giving up their day job!!!

Dom


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## snowblizz (Jul 13, 2009)

Domski said:


> Please, nobody consider giving up their day job!!!
> 
> Dom


Are we allowed to consider getting one?


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## Domski (Jul 13, 2009)

snowblizz said:


> Are we allowed to consider getting one?


 
Not as a comedian


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## DiscoPistol (Jul 13, 2009)

Man goes to the Doctors with a piece of Coal attached to his head.

'Don't worry' said the Doc. 'Its just a miner injury'


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## Expiry (Jul 13, 2009)

MorganO said:


> Good stuff!  Expiry, do you do Stand-up comedy?!?



Funnily enough...... no. I'm not allowed.


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## snowblizz (Jul 13, 2009)

Domski said:


> Not as a comedian


Touché.



Expiry said:


> Funnily enough...... no. I'm not allowed.


Oh that's easy. Just sit down...


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## Gerald Higgins (Jul 13, 2009)

Domski said:


> Please, nobody consider giving up their day job!!!
> 
> Dom


 
Expiry, Domski means YOU.


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## SydneyGeek (Jul 14, 2009)

In Australia they used to sell 2 brands of sunglasses: Le Specs Le Tough, and Indescratchables. My wife's hard on sunnies and we renamed them Le Specs Le Stuffed and Indewearables.

Denis


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## xlHammer (Jul 14, 2009)

What's the difference between a car and a computer?
With a car you wind the windows up.


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## arkusM (Jul 14, 2009)

Our civic politicians problem solving abilities are a joke.
http://www.calgaryherald.com/news/C...ethadone+clinic+leave+city/1772038/story.html

I can't find the quote, but in one of the papers had one of our Aldermen saying that they cannot relocate into an industrial area because of... zoning. WT???

Does the city not control the zoning and the enforcement of said zoning...
What a joke.

Cheers all!


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## RichardS (Jul 15, 2009)

OK, I was trying to explain to my 10 year old son the other day how the H1N1 virus crossed species and we now have human borne swine flu. We were also talking about the avian flu from the previous year. He asked what would happen if the two strains became one. I said "Pigs might fly". Jeez, I was rolling on the floor laughing while my wife and kids just looked at me with pity in their eyes.


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## arkusM (Jul 15, 2009)

RichardS said:


> OK, I was trying to explain to my 10 year old son the other day how the H1N1 virus crossed species and we now have human borne swine flu. We were also talking about the avian flu from the previous year. He asked what would happen if the two strains became one. I said "Pigs might fly". Jeez, I was rolling on the floor laughing while my wife and kids just looked at me with pity in their eyes.


 
 Good one!!
The circumstances make it sound contrived!!


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## caringsharingbristolbilly (Jul 27, 2009)

I came up with one a while ago about Shakespeare not being allowed in the pub because he was bard. But then someone told me that was an old one, so  on that.

Then I came up with this one:

George Michael had just bought a new car with a lovely cream leather interior. One day he was late for a gig and hadn't eaten, so he quickly wolfed down half a chocolate bar and left it on the seat. When he got back to the car after the gig, the chocolate had melted and ruined the leather completely. It was a careless Wispa.


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## Domski (Jul 27, 2009)

Advert in the paper today:

"Leading ******* manufacturer seeks joke writer for seasonal work*

Contact with samples of work: 

F U Nnyhaha
******* World
23 Chortle Street
York

04964 784 224

*Mr Excel board members need not apply"


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## milesUK (Jul 31, 2009)

In the UK regulators of various utilities, etc begin with OF (e.g. OFWAT Office of Water Regulation) This got me thinking of a few OFTHEWALL Regulators:
Rugby & Football - OFSIDE

Golf Equipment Suppliers - OFPUTTING

Paint & Dye Manufacturers - OFCOLOUR

Ready to Wear Clothing Retailers - OFTHEPEG

There must be more.


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## steve case (Aug 20, 2009)

If something happens, like a spill at a party, and someone says to me, "Oh I'm so sorry!" <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
<o></o>
I tell them, "Oh don't worry about it. I'm sure our lawyers can handle it in the morning."<o></o>

Always gets a laugh (-:
.
.
.
.
.


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## treesloth (Sep 18, 2009)

In the "Make like a..." genre...

"I'm going to make like the French Revolution and head off"

In the "historical Yo Mama" category...

"Yo mama so old AND big that when she went swimming in the ocean, Columbus tried to claim her for Spain"

/rimshot
//tip your waitress...


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## arkusM (Sep 21, 2009)

treesloth said:


> "I'm going to make like the French Revolution and head off"
> QUOTE]
> 
> nice...


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## RobMatthews (Sep 21, 2009)

i prefer "Make like a baby, and head out..." Or at least i used to. Haven't used that in maybe 10 years.


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## Patience (Sep 22, 2009)

treesloth said:


> "I'm going to make like the French Revolution and head off"



Buahaha. I am totally going to pinch that for myself.


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## hoffey (Sep 24, 2009)

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was intense...


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## Oorang (Sep 24, 2009)

Fender bender? That was more like a fender _blender!_


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## Trebor76 (Sep 25, 2009)

Why did the mouse leave home?

Because his Dad was a rat.


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## Futile Crush (Oct 5, 2009)

It's a good idea to walk five miles a day to get healthier. My nana started at 63, she's 96 today and we dunno where the hell she is.

A bishop, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar. Says the barman: "What is this, a joke?"

The probability of survival is equal to the angle to the arrival (when on a plane.)

100,000 accountants at the bottom of the sea is a spectacle. 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea is a miracle.

(My friend's friend made up this one.) When I was young, the fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a longer penis or a longer memory, but I can't remember which one I picked ...

If you're wearing a helmet and you know what most of the shiny buttons do, you're all set to fly.

A public announcement this halloween: don your Richard Nixon masks, the spooky season is nearly upon us!

There is a difference between a "good landing" and a "great landing". A good landing involves all the passengers and yourself being alive after it. A great landing is one where you can use the plane another time.

A group of chavs are arguing about how to pronounce the name of a welsh town, so they settle down in a restaurant and say to the waitress, "'Scuse me, couldja tell us where we are, and say it really slowly?"
"Yeah, you're in Buuuuurrrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing," she says.

Memo to divorced men: If you think getting rid of the wife was a good thing, check your bank account again.

Says the pirate upon wading into the shallow waters and bumping into a treasure chest, "Arrrr, booty is only shin deep!"

*An Irish woman spots another woman walking along the train tracks near a station, singing "21, 21, 21!" Says the irishwoman "What are you doing?"*
*The woman doesn't answer and keeps singing "21, 21, 21!" So the Irishwoman decides to join her, jumping on the tracks and singing "21, 21, 21!" Just then, a train comes along, the other woman jumps at the last second but the irishwoman is hit. When the train passes, the woman jumps back on and starts singing "22, 22, 22 ..."*


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## steve case (Oct 6, 2009)

Futile Crush said:


> The probability of survival is equal to the angle to the arrival (when on a plane.)
> 
> If you're wearing a helmet and you know what most of the shiny buttons do, you're all set to fly.
> 
> There is a difference between a "good landing" and a "great landing". A good landing involves all the passengers and yourself being alive after it. A great landing is one where you can use the plane another time.


 
Futile Crush's pilot jokes reminds me when I made the remark that I didn't like the idea of flying at night. When asked why I said, "Well if you have to make a forced landing, you can't see to pick out a good spot." 

"Well" I was told, "Turn on your landing lights" 

The look on my face implied the stupidity of that action.

So then I was told, "If you don't like what you see, turn 'em off!"
.
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.
.


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## caringsharingbristolbilly (Oct 6, 2009)

Futile Crush said:


> (My friend's friend made up this one.) When I was young, the fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a longer penis or a longer memory, but I can't remember which one I picked ...



That was on Michael MacIntyre the other night... Canadian comedian, I think it was. I'd get your friend to sue.


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## cgendron (Feb 16, 2012)

How about states with debate teams.

Pennsylvania has the Penn Debaters

California has the Cali Debaters

Massachusetts has the Mass Debaters


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## morri (Feb 16, 2012)

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!


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## RobMatthews (Feb 16, 2012)

I was on holiday in the US, and visited a Sioux reservation, hoping to see some authentic culture and buy some sort of memento. All I saw was their crappy furniture factory, making bench-tops that would suit kitchens in the 60's and 70's.

I had told the guide i wanted a memento, but he must have thought i meant sioux veneer.


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