# Shall we have a worst pun thread?



## riaz (Oct 27, 2008)

As I can't resist slotting puns into lounge discussions, I thought it might be a good idea to have a separate thread just for the worst puns you have ever heard.

Any takers?  The added bonus is that I will (try to) avoid verbal gymnastics in other threads


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## Jonmo1 (Oct 27, 2008)

How about

"Thinking _inside_ the box"

http://www.mrexcel.com/forum/showthread.php?t=349073&page=6


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## Oaktree (Oct 27, 2008)

When I worked in consulting, one of our partners insisted that we document (on the PowerPoint slides) the sample sizes on any chart/table which showed a statistical result.  

After all, he reminded everyone, "the n's justify the means".


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## riaz (Oct 28, 2008)

Here's my starter.

Recently, while my wife was away, I raided our pantry and fridge rather than cook, so I depleted stocks rather badly.  I had used up the cauliflower, all the eggs, frozen peas and many cans of soup (not all at the same time, I hasten to add).  I also noticed that my many forays had loosened the sealing rubber around the fridge door so that needed replacing.  Also, just that morning, I noticed that the mouthwash was down to its last few drops and supplies would need replenishing.

Not one to write out a shopping list, I tried to make up a little ditty to remember all that I had to buy, and I went down to the shops, gaily singing

_*Soup, a cauli, fridge elastic, eggs, pea, halitosis*_


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## cornflakegirl (Oct 28, 2008)

Riaz, that is very very bad!


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## riaz (Oct 28, 2008)

There are plenty more where that came from.  That was unashamedly plagiarised from Denis Norden and Frank Muir's radio show My Word.

Are you contributing?


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## cornflakegirl (Oct 28, 2008)

Nah, I'd have to steal mine from Humphrey Lyttelton, and I might get banned...


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## DonkeyOte (Oct 28, 2008)

Seriously... I thought the Cornflake Girl was a cereal punster.


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## cornflakegirl (Oct 28, 2008)




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## gingerafro (Oct 28, 2008)

this is more of a (very bad) joke my dad told me once.

It was the insect cup final (football/soccer) and the ants are playing the earwigs.  The earwigs are losing 3-0 and its halftime.  The team manager asks them in the dressing room what is going on and the team captain says that there is no communication between the players.  So the manager has an idea – let’s put numbers on the shirts so we know who is who.
So they get some numbers from the kit man and put them on.  All the players get their numbers but the number 10 hasn’t got a 1.  So he goes out with a zero on his back.
Anyway, he plays an absolute blinder for the next 45 minutes, scores 4 goals without reply and the earwigs win! But the earwig with the zero isn’t happy – he’s scored 4 goals, won the match for his team but none of the crowd are singing his name.  But the manager tells him to listen carefully and the crowd are chanting…

“Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O!”


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## Patience (Oct 28, 2008)

Something my dad told me long ago, that his dad told him longer ago. Not sure it qualifies as a pun, but I think it is great.



> Following an English test at school, Fred and George (probably not Weasley - Ed) discussed some of their answers in the grammar section. For one question, Fred where George had had had had had had had had had had the teachers approval.



More of a warning to kids about the use of punctuation than a pun, but great nonetheless.


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## riaz (Oct 28, 2008)

Bryony, I see no reason not to have it in this thread.  All word games and variations are welcome.

You could get away with an extra "had".


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## riaz (Oct 28, 2008)

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.   He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berkshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result. The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well. 

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician called Gordon could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention...


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## Patience (Oct 28, 2008)

You know - I even deleted the extra 'had.' Thank you. Will put it back in!

Edit - except it is now out of my editing time. *hangs head in shame!*


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## riaz (Oct 28, 2008)

Patience said:


> You know - I even deleted the extra 'had.' Thank you. Will put it back in!
> 
> Edit - except it is now out of my editing time. *hangs head in shame!*



Or even *hangs "had" in shame!*


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## SydneyGeek (Oct 28, 2008)

Years ago I was helping my brother put up a deck. He had a mate called Crispin helping too. Anyway, at one stage one of the uprights fell over (everyone thought the other bloke was holding it) and it slammed into the ground, just where Crispin had been standing seconds before. 
I said "You were lucky! You could have been like King Wenceslas!"
"What?"
"Deep 'n crisp 'n even..."

Denis


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## Andrew Fergus (Oct 28, 2008)

I suppose you've heard the one about Gandhi?  We all know about Gandhi but did you know he walked barefoot everywhere, such that he had the most tremendous callouses on his feet?  And when he wasn't on hunger strike he didn't actually eat very much, but if he did he was a vegetarian.  So he wasn't a big man, but the vegetarian diet gave him a mild case of bad breath.  But despite his frailty, he was obviously a man of great strength and spirituality.  Anyway, he came to be known as "the super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>


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## PaddyD (Oct 28, 2008)

From the mouth of Humphrey Lyttleton (although the pen of Iain Pattison):

“Samantha’s just started keeping bees and already has three dozen or so. She says she’s got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He’ll carefully take out her 38 bees and soon have them flying round his head” 

“Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera, where she’s been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor” 

“Samantha has to nip off to a Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, whose name is said to be almost impossible to pronounce. She’s certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful” 

“Samantha has to go now as she’s off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who’s taking her out for an ice-cream. She says she likes to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan” 

“Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he’ll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up the ladder” 

“After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst’s beef in ale; although she preferred his tongue in cider” 

...oh how he's missed


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## riaz (Oct 31, 2008)

There were four Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the other two slept together on a hippopotamus skin. All four became pregnant, and each had a baby boy. 

This goes to prove that the sons of the squaws on the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


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## Andrew Fergus (Oct 31, 2008)

A man entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

"One thing I love doing more than anything else is trying to pack myself in a really small suitcase : I can hardly contain myself."

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

"Police were called to a daycare centre in Merseyside today where a 3 year old was resisting a rest."

A man who walks sideways through an airport metal detector is going to Bangkok.

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 bucks he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".

Did you hear about the short fortune teller who escaped prison?  He was a small medium at large.


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## cornflakegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Why did the cat slide off the roof? Its mu wasn't big enough.


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## SydneyGeek (Nov 1, 2008)

A pun should...

Strike while the irony is hot
Go straight for the jocular vein

Denis


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## Peter_SSs (Nov 1, 2008)

Residents came into the centre of our town this morning and found all the shops raised about a metre off the ground. Police say they suspect shop-lifters.


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## Peter_SSs (Nov 1, 2008)

riaz said:


> There were four Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the other two slept together on a hippopotamus skin. All four became pregnant, and each had a baby boy.
> 
> This goes to prove that the sons of the squaws on the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


When I heard that one many years ago, there were just 3 squaws, one on each skin. The one the hippopotamus had twins while the other two had singles (not necessarily boys) and the result was:
"The squaw on the hippopotamus equals the sum of the squaws on the other two hides"


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## Marbles (Nov 1, 2008)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/scot_div_1/2875957.stm


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## absquatulation (Nov 3, 2008)

Patience said:


> Something my dad told me long ago, that his dad told him longer ago. Not sure it qualifies as a pun, but I think it is great.
> 
> 
> 
> More of a warning to kids about the use of punctuation than a pun, but great nonetheless.



George where Fred had had had had had had had had had had had the teacher's approval




The sentence with eleven “Hads” in it is a report on the written work of a student called George, telling him that Fred's written work had had the teacher's approval.


George, where Fred had had “Had had”, had had “Had”. “Had had” had had the teacher's approval.



Obvious really!!!


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## riaz (Nov 3, 2008)

absquatulation said:


> George, where Fred had had “Had had”, had had “Had”. “Had had” had had the teacher's approval.
> 
> Obvious really!!!



Whereupon George cried in anguish "I've been had!"


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## riaz (Nov 3, 2008)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Flack.

So, he says, "Ms. Flack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.  The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."  She holds up the tiny pink pig.  "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,

"It's a knick knack, Patti Flack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."


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## cornflakegirl (Nov 3, 2008)

There are two blokes working in a restaurant, Jerface the chef, and Hans the dishwasher. Jerface is trying to prepare a squid, but he can't bring himself to kill it. Hans watches with interest, as Jerface isn't normally a wimp. Finally, Hans goes across and offers to do the deed for Jerface. He picks up the cleaver and prepares to chop the squid, but the pale green squid is lying there, looking at him imploringly, a tear trickling down to the fine layer of fuzz above its mouth. Hans crumples and rushes from the room.

Which just goes to show that Hans that do dishes are as soft as Jerface with mild green hairy lip squid.


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## Expiry (Nov 3, 2008)

cornflakegirl said:


> There are two blokes working in a restaurant, Jerface the chef, and Hans the dishwasher. Jerface is trying to prepare a squid, but he can't bring himself to kill it. Hans watches with interest, as Jerface isn't normally a wimp. Finally, Hans goes across and offers to do the deed for Jerface. He picks up the cleaver and prepares to chop the squid, but the pale green squid is lying there, looking at him imploringly, a tear trickling down to the fine layer of fuzz above its mouth. Hans crumples and rushes from the room.
> 
> Which just goes to show that Hans that do dishes are as soft as Jerface with mild green hairy lip squid.



Is Jerface a real name? I'm not sure it is and therefore, I'm not sure that this works as a pun.

A pun is a play on words. I don't think you can invent your own words, in order to make the punchline work.


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## cornflakegirl (Nov 3, 2008)

It's his surname.

Plus the joke is about a million years old, so take it up with the person that wrote it 

(Just done a quick google - apparently the normal spelling is Gervais. Which makes sense. I've never actually seen it written down, so just went with the way I thought it was spelled when I was 10...  )


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## riaz (Nov 3, 2008)

Thanks for reviving that one, Emma.  I've been wracking my brains trying to remember that.  It used to be very popular in my day.  Do you remember the puns on Cadbury's whole nut chocolate?


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## Andrew Fergus (Nov 3, 2008)

Says the Scottish farmer to the trespassing Rolling Stones fan : "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"


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## riaz (Nov 4, 2008)

Mr and Mrs Skunk had two baby skunks, and called them In and Out.  As they grew older, the, now no longer, babies used to go out to play.  In, being more adventurous, used to wander off far afield, while Out was more of a homebody and usually stayed in or near the house.

One evening, Mrs Skunk called them in to dinner, but only Out came in, while In stayed out.  After calling a few times to no avail, Mrs Skunk got impatient and sent Out out to fetch In in.  In went out and very shortly came in, with Out trailing in behind In.

Mrs Skunk was surprised at the speed with which Out had found In and asked "How did you get In so quickly?"

"Simple," replied Out, "Instinct."


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## cornflakegirl (Nov 4, 2008)

Ah, the old ones are the best, Riaz! (No idea on the Cadbury thing - I wait with bated breath!)


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## riaz (Nov 4, 2008)

cornflakegirl said:


> Ah, the old ones are the best, Riaz! (No idea on the Cadbury thing - I wait with bated breath!)



By special request:

US Cavalry troop was being hassled by a band of Apaches and was running hard.  Their faster horses gave them a bit of a lead, so when they saw a disused railway station, they decided to shelter there.  

Unfortunately, the station roof was thatched, and wary of flaming arrows, the Captain wanted some way of protecting the roofs.  Some soldiers came upon barrels of out of date chocolate, and came up with the brilliant idea of using the chocolate to cover the roof, as the sun would melt it and the chocolate would be as good as tar for fireproofing.

While the soldiers were laying chocolate out on the roofs, a couple of Apache scouts found them and observed the activities silently, before going back to report to the Chief.

"And what is the cavalry doing?" asked the Chief.

The scouts replied,
(All together now)

"Huts, old railway huts, cavalry take them and they cover them with chocolate!"


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## cornflakegirl (Nov 4, 2008)

I may not be target audience for that one - I just had to google to find out what the line was supposed to be!


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## Jonmo1 (Nov 4, 2008)

Did you find it Emma?  Cuz I don't get it either...


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## cornflakegirl (Nov 4, 2008)

"Nuts, whole hazlenuts. Cadbury's take them and they cover them in chocolate."

I think you maybe had to be living in the UK in the 70s to get it...

(Actually - do any of you Yanks get the Fairy Liquid one either?)


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## Expiry (Nov 5, 2008)

cornflakegirl said:


> "Nuts, whole hazlenuts. Cadbury's take them and they cover them in chocolate."
> 
> I think you maybe had to be living in the UK in the 70s to get it...
> 
> (Actually - do any of you Yanks get the Fairy Liquid one either?)



Steady, you're going to be starting a 'Do you remember this advert?' discussion if you're not careful and if anyone says 'do the shake and vac', I'm off.


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## cornflakegirl (Nov 5, 2008)

S'okay - I'm too young to remember that either


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## Patience (Nov 5, 2008)

Two fruit pastels are sitting at a bar chatting. In walks a Smartie. One of the Fruit Pastels says to the other "I am afraid of him. He bullies me." So the other says "well there is no need for that. Tell him how you feel and maybe he will stop." So the first Fruit Pastel plucks up courage and speaks to the Smartie. "Look," he says. "I just want to enjoy myself here with a beer and my mate. I don't want any trouble." So the Smartie says "Well, Ok. Sure. I am sorry, I didn't realise I made you feel that way. Enjoy your beer and I won't hassle you." So the Fruit Pastel goes back to his friend, feeling much better, and enjoys his beer. Somewhile later, a Polo walks in. The first Fruit Pastel suddenly gets scarded again. Apparently the Polo is an even worse bully than the Smartie ever was. So the Fruit Pastel's friend says "why don't you talk to the Polo like you did with the Smartie? That worked." The first Fruit Pastel replies "No way - he's menthol!"





Two pieces of tarmac are enjoying some beer. In walks another bit or tarmac, but this one in coloured red. One of the grey tarmac pieces hides. "Why are you hiding from that red piece of road?" His friend asks. "He beats me up and I don't like it!" Comes the reply. "Well I think you should talk to him about how you feel." So the first piece of grey road steps up and approaches the piece of red road and says "I don't want any trouble. I just want to drink my beer and not be intimidated by you." So the red road covering says; "I am so sorry. I didn't realise my antics were distressing you so much. I won't hurt you any more." So a little while later when the two bits of grey road are on their next beer, in walks some green road covering. The first piece of grey road suddenly got very scared and hid. His friend suggested he spoke to the green road covering, just as he had done with the red road covering. "No way!" came the reply. "He's a cycle path!"




Old, I know but they still make me laugh.


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## DonkeyOte (Nov 5, 2008)

A piece of string (String1) walks into the bar (no pun) and orders a drink...

Barman: are you a piece of string ?
String1: yes
Barman: don't serve string here get out!
(string1 leaves bar)

Five minutes later...

Another piece of string walks into the bar and orders a drink...

Barman: are you piece of a string ?
String2 : yes
Barman : I told your mate we don't serve string in here - get out !
(string2 leaves bar)

Five minutes later....

A third piece of string walks into the bar (String3) only this one's worse than the first two -- really old & tatty...

Barman: Enough !  Are you a piece of a string ?
String3: No, I'm a frayed knot !



(Edit: ok technically that's still string...)


Man walks into a London bar with his pet giraffe.

Man: "Pint of beer for me, same for him and he'll have a whiskey chaser too!"
barman serves drinks...
five minutes later...
Man: "Barman, same again !"

...and so this continues for an hour at which point all of a sudden the giraffe collapses to the ground in a drunken spread wide across the floor of the bar...

Barman: "Mate, you can't leave the lyin' there !"
Man: "It's not a lion it's a giraffe !"


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## Peter_SSs (Nov 5, 2008)

DonkeyOte said:


> ... I'm a frayed knot !


Hmmm, I thought there was something recently familiar about that...  
http://www.mrexcel.com/forum/showthread.php?t=349693&highlight=frayed+knot


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## riaz (Nov 5, 2008)

Patience said:


> Old, I know but they still make me laugh.



Not as old as me, Bryony.  _I've_ not heard those before.  I really enjoy these.


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## riaz (Nov 5, 2008)

Happy hour at the Zoo Bar.  Four animals come in for a drink (or few), and immediately start discussing who is to pay.

Duck: I only have one bill, and I don't want to break that.
Doe: I had a buck on me a while ago, but not any more.
Skunk: I only have the one scent.
Giraffe: Well, I guess the highballs are one me.


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## Expiry (Nov 5, 2008)

Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

The old ones ARE the best.


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## cornflakegirl (Nov 5, 2008)

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Yes, yes they are!


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## Patience (Nov 5, 2008)

Expiry said:


> Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
> 
> The old ones ARE the best.




Had to read it twice but I love it!!!


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## Jonmo1 (Nov 5, 2008)

Three ducks in a pond.  They're just playing around and blowing bubbles.  The duck police comes by and says I'm going to have to take you ducks in, this is a public place, you can't do that here.  So the police duck takes the first duck in and asks "what were you doing in the pond?", the duck replied, "I was just blowing bubbles".  the police duck said "You can't do that in the pond", and sent him off to jail.  Police duck takes the second duck and says "What were you doing in the pond?", the duck replied "I was just blowing bubbles".  The police duck replied, "You can't do that in the pond.", and sent him off to duck jail.  The police duck takes the 3rd duck and asks "What were you doing in the pond", the duck replied "I'm Bubbles".


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## riaz (Nov 5, 2008)

Q. What's the name of the new skin care product that Procter & Gamble has developed for MS Office VBA developers?
A. Oil of OLE.


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## DonkeyOte (Nov 5, 2008)

don't start that again Riaz... next you'll be talking about MS new and _exclusive to Excel 2007 users_ hair care product range: VO5

(sadly not for me... i'm a bald-a$$)


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## riaz (Nov 5, 2008)

jonmo1 said:


> Three ducks in a pond.



Am I allowed to say "That one quacked me up?"


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## riaz (Nov 5, 2008)

DonkeyOte said:


> (sadly not for me... i'm a bald-a$$)



Like me.  I used to use Grecian 2000, but it made me look like a two thousand year old Greek.


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## DonkeyOte (Nov 5, 2008)

Eider thought so...


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## Expiry (Nov 5, 2008)

DonkeyOte said:


> Eider thought so...



These quips are getting me down


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## riaz (Nov 5, 2008)

DonkeyOte said:


> Eider thought so...





Expiry said:


> These quips are getting me down



I feel like a goose for having started this ....


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## Expiry (Nov 5, 2008)

riaz said:


> I feel like a goose for having started this ....



That's the worst swan yet.


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## yytsunamiyy (Nov 5, 2008)

Expiry said:


> That's the worst swan yet.



Yeah, swans and jets really don't mix...


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## riaz (Nov 5, 2008)

Expiry said:


> That's the worst swan yet.



That's swan we have to avoid in future.


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## Jonmo1 (Nov 5, 2008)

C'mon, let's be mature in the future.


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## Expiry (Nov 12, 2008)

This isn't really a pun, but it's one of my favourite jokes:

Why did the baker have brown fingers?



Because he 'kneaded' a poo.


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## Patience (Nov 12, 2008)

Rough!


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## PaddyD (Nov 12, 2008)

If you're going to be like that:


Q: What's brown & sticky?
A: A stick.


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## Yard (Nov 12, 2008)

..

Apologies, took that one off...maybe not the right place for it :blush:


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## Lewiy (Nov 12, 2008)

I felt that I had to include this as it's along the same word play lines....and after all, it will help our State-side friends understand the rules of cricket!!


THE RULES OF CRICKET

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. 
                   Each man that's in the side that's in, goes out, and                       when he's out, he comes in and the next man goes in until                       he's out. 
                   When they are all out the side that's out comes in and                       the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those                       coming in out. 
                   Sometimes you get men still in and not out. 
                   When both sides have been in and out including the not-outs,                       that's the end of the game. 
Howzat?​


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## Mr_Roscoe (Nov 12, 2008)

OK - here's a range of jokes and puns following earlier themes:

A man walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.

A giraffe, a donkey and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long faces?"

Two blondes walk into a building. You would have thought one of them would have seen it!


There was a tribal king in Central Africa. He had a fascination for thrones so he decided to collect them. He invaded and overuled nearby tribes, taking the throne of that ruler away as a trophy. He stored the thrones in his big chiefs grass hut.

He collected thrones made from wood, some made of bone and some made of rock. Before long he had the largest collection of thrones in the world. His grass hut was running out of room so he started to put them up into the rafters to make more room.

One day the thrones stored in the roof became too heavy for the rafters and they all came crashing down, landing on the king and killing him.

The moral to the story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

*Mr Roscoe*

_Nurse - is it time for my medication?_


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## Greg Truby (Nov 22, 2008)

Just go this in an e-mail and thought it would fit nicely in Riaz' thread.  I believe a couple have already been posted, but most have not. 


The roundest knight at the round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. He turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope it'll till be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race and ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in a nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.Then it hit me.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.
A mental patient attacked a nurse, then ran away. The headline read, "Nut screws and bolts."


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## riaz (Nov 23, 2008)

> A mental patient attacked a nurse, then ran away. The headline read, "Nut screws and bolts



Change nurse to laundrywomen and you have "Nut screws washers and bolts"


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## Beezkneez (Dec 4, 2008)

I was driving along with me mate in the car when he points at some marsupial roadkill on the side of the highway.

'Slow Skippy.' he says.
'Skippy was a kangaroo.  That's a wallaby.' 
'Well-I'll-be.'

(sidebar - actually happened.    And my mate thought it was so hilarious that to this day he cannot drive past roadkill without resurrecting the same gag)


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## riaz (Dec 5, 2008)

An oldie.  Credit to Mr Richard Hart, who apparently wrote this in 1979!
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Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. 

One evening he arrived home just as the sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight." 

Mini was her name. She was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place. He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions. 

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on." Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 0K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable. I wonder if she'd like my firmware?" 

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements, although in reality he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old, "Would-you-like-to-see-my-benchmark" routine. But Mini was again one step ahead. 

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hangup that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off. 

Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide field to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence. "No, no!" she cried, "You're not shielded!" 

"Reset, baby," he replied, "I've been debugged." 

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes," she protested. 

"Don't run away," he said, "I'll generate an interrupt." 

"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy." 

Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. 

"Computers!" she thought, as she compiled herself, "All they think about is hex!"


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## Peter_SSs (Dec 5, 2008)

Good one Riaz! That reminded me of a similar one that I had come across many years ago and have added to myself over the years. (Some of it works a bit better if you actually read it aloud)

*ROMANCE OF THE ELEMENTS*

Lithium dear, this is Cerium  . . . . . 

Have you heard of the Scandium about the Long Ranger, and his beautiful gal, Chlorine?

Well, it all began one lovely evening in the fields as the beautiful Chlorine was calling the cows by name: “Cobalt! Calcium! (apt for a cow)”

The cows came slowly towards her, and she Lead them into the bails, whilst the Oxygen and again came to the barnyard gate.

Suddenly, like thieves in the Nitrogen, a band of Indiums, foul fiends, who had Krypton her unawares, jumped out and frightened the hapless girl.

“We catchum Gallium!” they whooped, as they dashed madly away, the beautiful girl a helpless prisoner.

“Oh, have Mercury on me!” pleaded the lovely Chlorine, as her heart began to Zinc.

But all was not hopeless, for nearby her sister, Fluorine, was in her little garden tending her Germaniums and Erbiums. She was also conversing pleasantly and coyly with the Long Ranger, the ‘Good Samarium' of the West. (She was secretly trying to win the Long Ranger with her Tantalum wiles so she could Thorium, but he was Gold to her advances.)

At that moment a passing Tin Pedlar and his assistant, Drogen, Boron them. The Long Ranger, who had met the assistant previously, greeted him in that typically Americium way, “Hydrogen”.

The Pedlar, with an avaricious gleam in his eye, began his spiel, “Ve haff fine nick-necks” he shouted, “but ve only Sulphur cash. Hafnium Antimony?”

Fluorine whirled on the Long Ranger, and clicked the battery behind her electric eyes. “Tin I have a bracelet?” she wheedled. But the Long Ranger, stout heart, did not hear, for the Pedlar was telling him, via metal telepathy, of a band of Indiums he had just seen riding away with a beautiful woman.

“Chlorine…! What a disTerbium situation!” the Long Ranger cried in dismay, before turning to the Pedlar. “Bring my horse! Europium, Uranium and you saddle ‘im up, while I load my guns!”

A moment later, with a lusty ringing “H2O Silver!” Iridium down the Rhodium, in a cloud of swirling dust, towards the smoke he’d Xenon a distant hill.

As a result, the poor Pedlar didn’t Selenium, and his assistant, who had a lisp, didn’t Thulium either. Meanwhile love-lost Fluorine departed with sorrow in her heart.

Nearing the Indium’s camp, the Long Ranger dismounted, and he began to Steel (sorry – not an element) up on them quietly. He did so in order to spy out the land for a Radon their camp.

In his haste, however, our hero bumped his Neon a rock. He then fell backwards, landing on a sharp object, giving his Arsenic. “Dysprosium and Gadolinium!” he howled - silently - at the piercing, pointed and pretty awful pain.

Night fell (crash), and as the vigilance of the Indiums lessened, the Long Ranger again mounted his trusty steed and charged boldly into their camp. He was shouting and Lead was pouring from his flaming guns! “Manganese Indiums fight” he muttered to himself.

He raced up and down the camp like a Radium lunatic. Caesium Chlorine from their midst, and flinging her up onto Silver’s roomy rump, he continued his ferocious attack.

When things finally began to quieten, Chlorine spoke. “Am I safe?” she cried tremulously. “Yes” he answered, “they Argon – them that ain’t dead.”

She gave a glad little cry. “What a terrible Bismuth!  Holmium your arms.” “No” he objected manfully, “we gotta Barium first.” So they dug a Titanium hole into which they began tossing the Copper coloured dead Indiums.

While Chlorine rested (and popped a couple of Thalliums to calm her down), she noticed one of the Indiums still moving. “There’s one still movin’, he must have only been Actinium dead” she shouted. “Can you Curium?” But they were too late. The Long Ranger carefully filled the hole and Platinum down the earth Fermium with his shovel.

Sodiumbarked homewards and, upon arrival, Chlorine began to make a refreshing cup of tea. “Bromine strong please” requested the Long Ranger.

That evening, he approached Chlorine. “Why don’t you and Iodine out tonight?” “What a wonderful idea” she exuded “and afterwards we can come home and Palladium the piano.”

Chlorine and the Long Ranger had a wonderful night and you don’t have to be an Einsteinium to work out that before many days passed, she was his blushing Boride (sorry again).

As they passed down the aisle together, Nickelodeon playing in the background, the disappointed and vitriolic Fluorine muttered nastily, “You Cadmium!”

The Long Ranger briefly cast his Iron her, and then turned on his Helium and proceeded to the altar.

After the ceremony, the Long Ranger finally got all the Mendelevium alone with Chlorine. As they drove off, the Carbonnet and the Chromium bumpers glistened in the setting sun.

After a short honeymoon in Francium they settled in Californium and lived happily ever after.


Edit: Additional paragraph suggestions welcome.


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