# Clean humor.



## repairman615 (Jul 8, 2012)

This string walks into a pub, asks the bartender for a drink.  

The barkeeper takes a look and politly says "Sorry mate, we don't serve strings here.".

Flustered, the string leaves yet very thirsty.  

Outside the determined string loops himself a few times and puffs out his ends a bit... walks back into the establishment.

"Hey brewmaster, how 'bout a drink."

The mixoligist is slightly confused, says "Aren't you that same string from a few minutes ago?"

"No, I am afraid not"   





Cheers  

Unknown source.


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## Joe4 (Jul 8, 2012)

A duck walks into a County Store, and asks the owner if he has any duck feed.  The owner says, "I'm sorry, I don't.  We have no demand for it, so I don't carry it."  The duck turns and leaves the store.

The next day the duck returns and asks the owner if he has any duck feed.  The owner says, "I told you yesterday, I don't carry it.  There is no demand for it.  I will never carry it."  The duck turns and leaves the store.

The next day the duck returns and once again asks the owner if he has any duck feed.  The owner, fed up and losing his patience screams "I told you the two past days, I do not have any duck feed!!!  Stop coming in here and asking for it.  If you ask for it one more time, I'LL NAIL YOUR LITTLE WEBBED FEET TO MY FLOOR!!!".  The duck turns and leaves the store.

The very next day, the duck returns again.  The owner, beside himself, yells "WHAT DO YOU WANT???".  The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?".  The owner replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!".
The duck then asks, "Then do you have any duck feed?".


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## Scott Huish (Jul 9, 2012)




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## delaneyjm (Jul 9, 2012)

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

… Because he felt crummy.


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## Scott Huish (Jul 9, 2012)

If you have 5 fish and 3 drown, how many fish do you have left?


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## TinaP (Jul 9, 2012)

Q. Why do gorillas have big noses?

A. Because they have big fingers.


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## repairman615 (Jul 9, 2012)

HOTPEPPER said:


> If you have 5 fish and 3 drown, how many fish do you have left?



3   




What do you call a bull that is sleeping?


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## Joe4 (Jul 9, 2012)

Hotpepper,

What does the legend on your pie chart say?  I can't read it.


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## xenou (Jul 10, 2012)

^^ 
_Pie I have eaten _(series color is the same silver as the bottom of the cake tin)
_Pie I have not yet eaten _(series color is the same yellow as the color of the pie)


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## Jonmo1 (Jul 10, 2012)

HOTPEPPER said:


> If you have 5 fish and 3 drown, how many fish do you have left?



5

Fish don't drown, they live in water....duh.
No matter if 2 or 3 of the fish died because of any cause, you still have 5 fish.
2 or 3 of them are dead, but you still have them.
At least untill you flush the dead ones.


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## xenou (Jul 10, 2012)

^^ That's like that one about the plane crash and where the survivors were buried ... {groan}


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## JamesW (Jul 10, 2012)

Not sure if this is the right place for this post, but no idea where else to put it really... 

Maybe you can help me with this issue below?



For several months I have been worried about the state of my marriage. My wife comes home late most days (after 8pm), even though she works a mile away, and has been taking secret phone calls. It's got to the point where I am getting very paranoid and one night I managed to get a hold of her phone to check her text messages only to find them all deleted... I got pretty shaken up by this and didn't sleep at all that night. Two nights ago she was very late home; I was looking out of the bedroom window waiting for her when I noticed a taxi pull up further down the street and her walk out. She made some excuse about working late, and that a friend dropped her off.

Last night was the last straw for me and I decided to follow her out (she said it was a work party). I made sure my car was a little distance behind her taxi, making sure she didn't see me. She pulled up at a fancy restaurant and I was nearly spotted so I quickly got out of the car and hid behind it.

It was at that exact moment that I noticed oil leaking from the engine. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it to a garage?


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## sous2817 (Jul 10, 2012)

jonmo1 said:


> 5
> 
> Fish don't drown, they live in water....duh.
> No matter if 2 or 3 of the fish died because of any cause, you still have 5 fish.
> ...



I'm pretty sure there are some species of sharks that will drown if they don't keep moving...


If a rooster lays an egg at the peak of a barn roof, which way does the egg roll?


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## Scott Huish (Jul 10, 2012)

Click on the pie chart, it will make it bigger.

Rooster's don't lay eggs.


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## Scott Huish (Jul 10, 2012)

A sleeping bull is a bulldozer.


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## Jonmo1 (Jul 10, 2012)

Why do people:
1. Park on a Driveway
2. Drive on a ParkWay


Isn't the word "Terminal" a strange name for the place you go to get on an airplane?


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## repairman615 (Jul 10, 2012)

One hat says to the other hat "Wait here while I go on _ahead_".




There was a fight that broke out at the circus, it was _intense_.


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## Scott Huish (Jul 10, 2012)

jonmo1 said:


> Isn't the word "Terminal" a strange name for the place you go to get on an airplane?



It's just marketing to get you to buy life insurance.


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## BenMiller (Jul 10, 2012)

jonmo1 said:


> Why do people:
> 1. Park on a Driveway
> 2. Drive on a ParkWay



https://twitter.com/highonhelium/status/190112020631273472


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## Michael M (Jul 10, 2012)

HOTPEPPER said:


> If you have 5 fish and 3 drown, how many fish do you have left?


y'all still got 5 fish....'cept 3 of 'em are dead.....


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## Scott Huish (Jul 11, 2012)

I have a large money box, 10 inches square and 12 inches tall. Roughly how many pennies can I place in my empty money box?


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## Jonmo1 (Jul 11, 2012)

HOTPEPPER said:


> I have a large money box, 10 inches square and 12 inches tall. Roughly how many pennies can I place in my empty money box?



1


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## BenMiller (Jul 11, 2012)

jonmo1 said:


> 1



You can dump a whole bunch in at once...


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## Scott Huish (Jul 11, 2012)

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?


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## Jonmo1 (Jul 11, 2012)

HOTPEPPER said:


> If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?


I would say you succeeded.

There are 2 different tasks at stake.
1.  the task you want to fail at
2.  the task of failing task 1.

So you succeeded on task 2.


The boxer that intentionally loses because his friend placed a bet on the opponnent and shared the winnings.
The boxer was successfull at losing on purpose.


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## Michael M (Jul 11, 2012)

Au contraire Jonmo


> Fish don't drown, they live in water....duh.



Fish do drown.....once a fish stops moving forward, the water flow stops and it can't get the oxygen out of the water....it drowns.


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## Scott Huish (Jul 11, 2012)

I think that would be suffocation, not drowning.


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## repairman615 (Jul 11, 2012)

HOTPEPPER said:


> I have a large money box, 10 inches square and 12 inches tall. Roughly how many pennies can I place in my empty money box?





I am guessing:


=POWER(12,4)

20736

Did I win?

How many golf balls could fit inside a commercial airplane?


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## xenou (Jul 11, 2012)

In case you guess too low, I'll say:
=Power(12,4) + 1


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## Scott Huish (Jul 12, 2012)

Nope, the right answer has already been guessed. 1, after that it is not empty. Even if you dumped in a whole bunch at once, after the very first one hit, it still would not be empty anymore.


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## Scott Huish (Jul 12, 2012)

How many golf balls could fit inside a commercial airplane?[/QUOTE]

Zero. Commercials are on TV.


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## Cindy Ellis (Jul 12, 2012)

How many software engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?


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## taurean (Jul 13, 2012)

HOTPEPPER said:


> Nope, the right answer has already been guessed. 1, after that it is not empty. Even if you dumped in a whole bunch at once, after the very first one hit, it still would not be empty anymore.


Repairman's formula can be repaired:
=POWER(9.99E+307,0)



			
				Cindy Ellis said:
			
		

> How many software engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?



This seems to be multiple choice question: See here
<dl><dt>*How* many software engineers does it take to change   a light bulb?   

None. "We'll document it in the manual." 
None. It's a hardware problem. 
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably     fall down. 
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. 
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one     to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards. 
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one     technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one     who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of     at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light     on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go     to tender for another light bulb change,... 
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw     it in, and two to explain why the project was late. 
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again. 
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its     modules to do unit testing, it stops working. 
The change is 90% complete. 
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point     trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch.     Could you wait two months? 
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer     we have who can get the <insert name="" here=""> software ready     to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.</insert> 
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it     took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a     light bulb. 
   </dt></dl>


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## Cindy Ellis (Jul 13, 2012)

taurean said:
			
		

> <dl><dt>How many software engineers does it take to change   a light bulb?
> 
> ...
> None. It's a hardware problem.
> ...


That's the answer I had in mind, but I LOVE the other answers 
Along a similar vein, 
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None...we'll fix it in the software 
I'm sure there are better answers to that one too.


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## Joe4 (Jul 13, 2012)

My sister is an engineer, and the funniest engineer joke I ever heard was:

_"You might be an engineer if you ever assumed a horse was a sphere to make the math easier!"_


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## delaneyjm (Jul 13, 2012)

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything he runs inside and dumps dirt all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


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## Wayne Duncan (Jul 13, 2012)

How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?

One:  She just holds up the bulb and the entire planet revolves around her.
(PS I raised 3 of 'em!)


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## meldoc (Jul 14, 2012)

THE CARING  GRANDFATHER

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old  grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and     she hears the Granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the till, the little terror is throwing items out of the trolley, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax bud, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

So impressed, the woman goes outside where the Grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 
She says to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. 

I don't know how you do it. The whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive the child got, you just calmly kept saying  that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."

"Thanks," said the  old chap, "but I'm William . . .

 the little b*@?$&d's name is Kevin."


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## taurean (Jul 14, 2012)

Cindy Ellis said:


> :
> :
> How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
> None...we'll fix it in the software
> I'm sure there are better answers to that one too.


Surprisingly there is only one, which you have given. I think the hyperlink in my post is 'clearly invisible' . It will take you to *Lightbulb jokes*.

As an end user - we just need to pray that software & hardware engineers don't work for the same company!


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## htmagic (Jul 19, 2012)

Cute! A few people are really clever.
That's what I like about this forum.
That and the fact that one can get help with their Excel problems.

OK, to give back to the community, here's a good one I heard today. 

There are three types of people in this world:

Those that can count 
Those that can't 

Enjoy!  

MagicBill


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## RobMatthews (Jul 22, 2012)

htmagic said:


> Cute! A few people are really clever.
> That's what I like about this forum.
> That and the fact that one can get help with their Excel problems.
> 
> ...



No, there are 10 types of people in the world.








Those who understand binary, and those who don't.


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## jdsouza (Jul 30, 2012)

Real life incident ...

On the way by road to Pune from Mumbai (Bombay), my daughter who was then about 8 years old asked me. (On passing a batch of monkeys seated on the cliffy road parapet)

"Dadda, how many years to go before these monkeys will turn into humans?".

When I recovered, I answered. "Don't know about that, sweetheart! But there's a growing number of humans turning into monkeys."


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## repairman615 (Jul 30, 2012)

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?


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## Jonmo1 (Jul 30, 2012)

repairman615 said:


> What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?



Finding half of a worm in an apple.


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## BenMiller (Jul 30, 2012)

repairman615 said:


> What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?



Getting hit by a truck.


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## htmagic (Jul 30, 2012)

repairman615 said:


> What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?



Getting SUED by them!  

MagicBill


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## cyrilbrd (Jul 30, 2012)

Michael M said:


> Au contraire Jonmo
> 
> 
> Fish do drown.....once a fish stops moving forward, the water flow stops and it can't get the oxygen out of the water....it drowns.



Love those jokes... This said moving forward is only valid for some selachian (they are called constant swimmers), for which the gill's muscles are less developed (ram ventilation). All fishes are actively pumping water in and out in order to get Oxygen. Movement isn't a must, fishes do sleep.... in cocoon nonetheless for some of them..

...And mudskipper may even stay out of the water and breath air.

Cheers!


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## jdsouza (Jul 31, 2012)

A really old one .. 

On a London -> New York Flight

The commander of the jumbo 747 announces that he had enough fuel to fly across the Atlantic and half-way back.


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## Scott Huish (Jul 31, 2012)

What happens when you scare someone 1/2 to death twice?


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## Atroxell (Aug 1, 2012)

They are only 3/4 dead...


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## jdsouza (Sep 4, 2012)

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

  The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

  They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

  One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

  Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

  Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.

  The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it,

  She had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

  As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

  "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,

  "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

  She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:    

*  "Don't sell that cow." *


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## repairman615 (Sep 5, 2012)

Two guys talking about fishing.  

One says to the other as he holds his hands apart for effect, "Man, I caught a fish last week and it was this big"

The other guy sincerely responds, "I believe you"


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