# Chuck Norris



## Oaktree (Jan 13, 2006)

There's a Chuck Norris forward circulating.  If you haven't seen it, enjoy:

_______________________________________________

      Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

      Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

      Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

      Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

      Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs
of life there.

      Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

      If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

      When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word
is "lucky".

           Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

      They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap
from anybody.

      Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

           The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

      Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died
because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris
tendon.

      When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

      Chuck Norris won 3 Grammy Awards for the sound of his foot making
contact with someone's face.

      To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

      Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

      A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

      Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris doesn't apologize. He just stares at them till they
realize it was indeed their own fault for whatever happened and they
apologize.

      Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

      The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps
twice.

      A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

      Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit",
I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "others".


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## Jay Petrulis (Jan 19, 2006)

That was good!!!  My favorite was the blind guy's first, last, and only thing he ever saw.

I found a few others...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day. 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh!t
out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. 

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. 

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing
the Earth down. 

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. 
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open
you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris doesn't wet the bed, the bed gets scared of Chuck Norris and
wets itself 

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. 

My favorite...
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 


Believe it or not, I understand the reference to Oregon Trail.  Sad, I know.


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## Zack Barresse (Jan 19, 2006)

ROFL!!  I read that, but Jay's are mostly new to me.  Too funny!  My favorites:



> Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
> trademarked names for his left and right legs.
> 
> The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
> ...



Jay: I used to love Oregon Trail.  So I hope it's not _that_ sad!


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## WxBoy (Jan 27, 2006)

Check this out

http://www.youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM

Chuck Norris rules!

But tell me, why does the Walker Texas Ranger song say "When you're in Texas look behind you, cause that's where the ranger's gonna be."?  Why are the rangers always behind people?  What are they doing back there?


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## whiteghost (Jan 27, 2006)

who's chuck norris?       was he the white guy in the bruce lee movies
?


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## WxBoy (Jan 28, 2006)

"Who's Chuck Norris?"

Are you kidding me?  Yes, he was one of the white guys in the Bruce Lee movies.

You may want to read the statement about Chuck and the theory of evolution thoroughly.  You may be coming off of his list.


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## Mightystomp (Feb 1, 2006)

rofl

What is up with this Chuck Norris craze? People are spamming them in World of Warcraft theese days?


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## Zack Barresse (Feb 1, 2006)

No kidding.  WOW and many other gaming forums as well.  Must be that the right people are connectted at the right times, me thinks..


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## Felix Atagong (Feb 2, 2006)

Jean-Clauce Van Damme, muscles from Brussels, forever! He can make Belgian Chocolate from Chuck Norris just by looking at him!


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## WxBoy (Feb 2, 2006)

Jean-Claude Van Damme!?  Chuck Norris sat on the toilet once.  The result was J-C V D.


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## westphalia (Feb 18, 2006)

Who is Chuck Norris? I already knew about the Van Damme but Norris, no!


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## erik.van.geit (Feb 18, 2006)

> Who is Chuck Norris? I already knew about the Van Damme but Norris, no!


Hello, westphalia,

don't be ashamed: there are other people around here who don't know
looking at your five posts from today, it made me happy to see again a new member with a "real" face (the more it's a nice one  )

but it made me sad nobody replied to you with the words you deserve
so here we go:

<font face="Courier New" size="+1" color="blue" style="background: url(http://www.balloondoggies.com/vonpookie/misc/sparkle.gif)">WELCOME TO THE BOARD !!!!</font>

kind regards,
Erik


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## westphalia (Feb 19, 2006)

Thanks Eric! It is nice to have such a warm welcome.


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## whiteghost (Feb 20, 2006)

A quote from the "Blue Collar Comedy Team" just about sums the whole Chuck Norris thing up

"if an episode of "Walker Texas  Ranger" changed your life, you just might be a redneck"


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## LySeRGinator (Feb 21, 2006)

> it made me happy to see again a new member with a "real" face (the more it's a nice one  )



I'm astounded to see attractive ladies actually attempting to use Excel; in my office they'd usually command a nerdy looking colleague to just sort out the problem for them


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## Greg Truby (Feb 21, 2006)

Well, if we were to judge by the quality of their work around here, VP & starl are our two reigning beauty queens (no offense, dreamboat).


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## Oorang (Feb 21, 2006)

Van Damme = "Beat up by his own body guard"


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## whiteghost (Feb 22, 2006)

hi westphalia, good to see a new face ( please don't ask what happened to the cat):
another quote from "the blue collar comedy team"
"if yew ever wore a strapless top and a bra which has straps.... yew jis might be a redneck"

and if Smitty puts his hand up to that one..... i'm leaving the planet


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## Oorang (Feb 22, 2006)

Why Eric, I am shocked! Yes, shocked and appaled at your insinuation that our new member has a cuter face then me


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## Smitty (Feb 22, 2006)

> if yew ever wore a strapless top and a bra which has straps



I can honestly say that I have never worn a bra.

Smitty

(Although I've taken off a few. )


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## Oorang (Feb 22, 2006)

And I can honestly say I hope it stays that way


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## Smitty (Feb 22, 2006)

> And I can honestly say I hope it stays that way



I am quite sure my wife agrees!

Smitty


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## Von Pookie (Feb 22, 2006)

The subject of bras aside... 

Thought you guys may be interested in this:



> IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET
> 
> I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
> 
> ~ Chuck Norris



http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1


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## Oorang (Feb 22, 2006)

Heh. Probably a viral marketing campaign designed to let him make that statement and plug his books.


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## erik.van.geit (Feb 22, 2006)

Oorang:


> Why Eric, I am shocked! Yes, shocked and appaled at your insinuation that our new member has a cuter face then me


then show us your face instead of the animal

Erik
member of DRAFT
(Displaying Real Forum Avatars Team)


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## Smitty (Feb 22, 2006)

> then show us your face instead of the animal



I like labs!

Smitty


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## Oaktree (Feb 22, 2006)

> Erik
> member of DRAFT
> (Displaying Real Forum Avatars Team)



Wouldn't that be DRFAT? You probably won't get too many ladies to join a Dr. Fat club


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## erik.van.geit (Feb 22, 2006)

> > Erik
> > member of DRAFT
> > (Displaying Real Forum Avatars Team)
> 
> ...


first I planned to leave only the abbreviation as an enigma 
then played a bit with words ...
so could be this
(Displaying Real Avatars on Forum Team)


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## Oorang (Feb 23, 2006)

Yah but the lab is so much cuter than me. I mean gaze into it's eyes and tell me you don't get a warm feeling. Me, people just go, "Man that guy looks like he didn't sleep last night."


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## Barrie Davidson (Feb 23, 2006)

> ... You probably won't get too many ladies to join a Dr. Fat club



Now *that* was funny!

  

Thanks Oaktree.


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## just_jon (Feb 24, 2006)

> > if yew ever wore a strapless top and a bra which has straps
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Reminds me of that other okd saying - I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with a few.


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## Smitty (Feb 24, 2006)

> Reminds me of that other okd saying - I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with a few.



OUCH!

Reminds me of my best friend, except he woke up with a ring on...I still can't convince him to chew the finger off...

Smitty


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## XLGibbs (Feb 24, 2006)

> > Reminds me of that other okd saying - I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with a few.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



And don't forget the timeless classic...

Why is divorce so expensive? 

Because it is worth it.


And another ....a friend asked me if he should get married for the 2nd time.  I had no choice but to ask why he wanted to break into jail.


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## Smitty (Feb 25, 2006)

> And another ....a friend asked me if he should get married for the 2nd time. I had no choice but to ask why he wanted to break into jail.



Classic!  But too true, unfortunately.

Frankly I think I'll stick with wife #2, who is actually wife #1 (after the whole divorce & remarrying thing...)

Smitty

But I broke into a blonde.  

(OK, if the evil Scottish wench saw that my a$$ would be kicked!  And her Mother's here too!)  

Gibbs: I finally saw that "Dumb question--Google" picture and why did you cut out the "mrburns.nl" part?


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## Von Pookie (Mar 2, 2006)

> Frankly I think I'll stick with wife #2, who is actually wife #1 (after the whole divorce & remarrying thing...)



When I got married it was the first (hopefully only!) marriage for both of us.


...He introduces me to people as his first wife. 

(When people ask who the second wife is, the standard answer is "Jennifer Connelly--but she doesn't know it yet")


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## Smitty (Mar 2, 2006)

My Dad still refers to my Mom as the CW (Current Wife), and they've been married for almost 40 years.

Smitty


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## Greg Truby (Mar 2, 2006)

That's quite an accomplishment for them Smitty.  Myself, I've actually been married longer than my dad.


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## Smitty (Mar 2, 2006)

> That's quite an accomplishment for them Smitty.  Myself, I've actually been married longer than my dad.


I dunno.  The reason they're still married:



> Because I'm not going to give that B&%$* 1/2 of everything I've spent my life earning!



Not my cup of tea personally, but maybe that's why we don't talk.   

Smitty


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## Greg Truby (Mar 2, 2006)

Sorry to hear that.  There was an article in this (or last) months Reader's Digest about a couple that fought throughout sixty years of marriage.  However in their waning years both were afflicted with dementia and in the final couple of years they became endeared to one another and very caring to each other.


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## Smitty (Mar 2, 2006)

I sure hope they enjoy eachother (not much point otherwise).

In some perverse way I suppose they do.

But as the old man always said: "I'm not on that committee."

Smitty


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## Jay Petrulis (Mar 3, 2006)

This thread has veered terribly off topic.    

More Chuck Norris items I found amusing...

Google Chuck Norris at your own risk

Crop circles are created by Chuck Norris practicing round house kicks in fields. 

Chuck Norris receives US Mail service on Sundays and holidays. 

Chuck Norris once went on Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

God said, "Let there be light." And Chuck Norris said, "Say please."


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## Oorang (Mar 3, 2006)

I liked "Chuck Norris did not 'lose' his Virginity. He stalked it and terminated it with extreme prejudice."


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## just_jon (Mar 3, 2006)

Light ponders the speed of Chuck Norris.


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## Jay Petrulis (Mar 3, 2006)

Chuck Norris doesn't refer to himself in the 3rd person. Instead he found a way to refer to himself in the 4th person.


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## Oorang (Mar 3, 2006)

The Chuck Norris has to refer to Chuck Norris in the third person because even Chuck Norris knows Chuck Norris need to have the respect to not be overly famiar with Chuck Norris. You call Chuck Norris by Chuck Norris's proper name.


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## Oorang (Mar 6, 2006)

>>>>Eric<<<< I hope you're happy now


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## erik.van.geit (Mar 6, 2006)

> >>>>Eric<<<< I hope you're happy now


<font face="Courier New" size="+1" color="blue" style="background: url(http://www.balloondoggies.com/vonpookie/misc/sparkle.gif)">YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL !!!!</font>

for those who don't know what we're talking about
Oorang changed his "dog"avatar to a "real" one
we are happy the way we are, so we show our face


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## Oorang (Mar 6, 2006)

Erm  , I hope you meant beautiful in the manly straight Chuck Norris way.
(Is there such a way?)


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## erik.van.geit (Mar 6, 2006)

> Erm  , I hope you meant beautiful in the manly straight Chuck Norris way.
> (Is there such a way?)


My english vocabulary is limited   
"beautiful" = something like: "warmhearted"


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## Andrew Fergus (Mar 6, 2006)

Count me in as another member of 'DRAFT' Erik....


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## Oorang (Mar 6, 2006)

Andrew... I'm thinking you need the DRAFT signature


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## erik.van.geit (Mar 6, 2006)

> Andrew... I'm thinking you need the DRAFT signature


nice !!
I changed mine too as "founder"


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## Oorang (Mar 6, 2006)

Are you _sure_ you don't want to use DR FAT?


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## whiteghost (Mar 22, 2006)

erm....in the Scots venacular "chuck" means to throw away (and if you were named Charles.... just look at HRH"we shall all talk to trees" Prince Charles{ anyone who wants to marry something that looks like Camilla Parker-Bowlesneeds serious therapyand should go see the the rapist   oop therapst,,,, sorry i diverse
erm what's a Norris..... and is it normal(see above)


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## HalfAce (Mar 23, 2006)

Erik, LySeRGinator, Whiteghost & Oorang,
Be careful with your comments on westphalia’s photo.
I mean how do we know she's really that attractive?
She could be some dude that looks like Truby just using that to get favorable responses.  


Just kidding Nihal. If that is your real photo then I stand _very_ corrected. 
- and might I add, I like the haircut!  :wink:


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## NateO (Mar 28, 2006)

> ( please don't ask what happened to the cat)


They say a picture is worth 1,000 words:

<center>
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





</center>
:wink:


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## Oaktree (Mar 29, 2006)

That's awesome!     (well, not for the cat, but for our humor...)


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## Smitty (Mar 29, 2006)

I don't even want to know how you (or Whiteghost) found that Nate!

Smitty


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## NateO (Mar 29, 2006)

I plead the fif. F-I-F: Fif.  

Actually, randomly, me ol' mucker, DD, showed it to me, and the recognition factor was strong in this one.  :wink:


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## hostelowner (Apr 10, 2006)

(we) family, and myself had dinner with a guy that actually beat Chuck in a ring with rules... made him eat tarp...aparently chuck lacks in skill but he's a great dancer!!!???

His name was, SAAD SHAKOUR 
(no joke) i think that's how it's spelled, i was about 4 years old.


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## Andrew Fergus (May 17, 2006)

I found this today :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8QAeoFdM5g

It may have been out a while, but hear it from Chuck directly.


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## Oorang (May 17, 2006)

That's awesome.


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## Engineer Joe (May 24, 2006)

A little late to be talking about Jean Claude Van Damme in this thread, but...

Little Known Fact:  If you've ever had the unfortunate experience of viewing either of the movies _Breakin'_ or _Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo_, there is a scene in one of them where the two main characters (Turbo and Ozone, is it?) are dancing on the beach, or there abouts.  If you look in the background, you will see Jean-Claude Van Damme as an extra.  He's wearing shorts that should get him arrested, along with a crap eating grin as he mechanically grinds out his best moves.  It's pathetic.  I'm not sure which of the movies it's in, so you'd better go ahead and *buy *both of them to figure out.


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## TrippyTom (Jun 2, 2006)

No thanx.  I think that would scar me for life.  His famous "splits between two chairs" or "splits between two walls" already took 20 years off my life.


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## Oorang (Jun 2, 2006)

Just cause you can do ballet doesn't mean you can fight. JCVD got cold-****ed by his own bodyguard for pete's sake. He is just too girlie for real man like Chuck Norris  :wink:  Chuck Norris does not do ballet, Chuck Norris thought about dancing once but decided to have a beer instead. And that is why America had a prohibition. It was not because you weren't allowed to drink, it was because there just wasn't any left. Chuck Norris drank it all.


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## anubis (Jun 6, 2006)

O.K.......I've been away from the board for a while...lost my job, then got a better one.  Not much time for excel while job hunting.  When did the "Show your face" movement start.

Erik, was it you and DRAFT? (I personally like DR FAT as well)  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to put a face to the name (and work).  I'm just curious.


BTW...I still like:

Chuck Norris shot an airplane out of the sky by pointing his finger and saying  BAM!


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## Oaktree (Jun 6, 2006)

Yep.  It's Erik's doing.

http://www.mrexcel.com/board2/viewtopic.php?t=199272


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## Hatcheda (May 25, 2007)

BTW, the Bruce, Chuck fight was real!   It was chopped at the end where Bruce kills Chuck! - Bruce won! I also know someone that beat chuck. Met him when I was younger. Chuck would never give him a title fight


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## emc (May 31, 2007)

OK, its lame but here goes:

chuck norris does not concatenate data.  he merely has to threaten his files with a roundhouse kick and the data does what is expected of it.


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## mplees (May 31, 2007)

Mmmmm........


Reading this thread has been quite amusing, although being a brit I don't quite get the Chuck-worship thing! I actually thought Oorang's reply to Erik:



> Erm  , I hope you meant beautiful in the manly straight Chuck Norris way.
> (Is there such a way?)



...was actually quite amusing as well! Mind you, I do have one question - if Chuck is reputedly so tough, how tough is Mrs. Norris's OTHER son (isn't he called Aaron?).

Answers on a Chuck Norris postcard please!

Regards,

Mark
(who is no doubt about to be roundhouse kicked to death by a certain Mr. C. Norris!)


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## Smitty (Oct 22, 2007)

Finally, we have a winner and can stop those infernal debates:



> *Martial arts TV star picks presidential candidate*
> 
> Will Norris' star power help Huckabee?
> 
> ...



Well, I guess that's that... 

Smitty


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## joefrench (Oct 23, 2007)

Don't forget Mr. T!
Mr. T was the missing member of the Jedi Council. During the events of episodes I, II & III he was busy hunting down his nemesis Jibba Jabba the Hutt.  

This is a very entertaining thread!


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## joefrench (Oct 23, 2007)

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/


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## Oorang (Feb 7, 2008)




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## Smitty (Feb 22, 2008)

Goto Google and enter "Find Chuck Norris", then hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.


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## Oaktree (Feb 22, 2008)

That's hilarious!  Nice one, Smitty.


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## GaryR (Feb 26, 2008)

When Chuck Norris falls in the water, he doesn't get wet; the water gets Chuck Norris.


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## joefrench (Feb 26, 2008)

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.


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## Richard Schollar (Feb 26, 2008)

Man, you guys are killin' me!!!


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## Peter_SSs (Feb 27, 2008)

pennysaver said:


> Goto Google and enter "Find Chuck Norris", then hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.



I love it!!!


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## Bingo969 (Mar 3, 2008)

Here is the list I've seen floating around most recently.

It's for Jack Bauer from 24
=====================================================

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

The real reason the military dropped the ‘Army of One’ campaign? Jack sued for copyright infringement.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. 

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer freaking hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When you open a can of whoop-***, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you **** well better do it.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.

Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? 
Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.

Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.

Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!". 

Jack Bauer always goes for it on 4th down.

Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.


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